Roxy’s Tax Tips

Ø Take as business deduction crapload of D-cell batteries
Ø Claim that $200 spent on Barbra Streisand tix was political contribution to the Democratic Party
Ø Deduct cash value of time spent watching "CBS Evening News" as a charitable donation
Ø Deduct gifts and entertainment for certain members of NJ State Legislature
Ø Enclose a naked photo of self with completed return
Ø Deduct contribution to "Future Un-Wed Mothers of America Foundation"
Ø List occupation as "Personal Services Facilitator/Longshoreman"
Ø Claim that million dollars came from spending one night with Bill Clinton, and therefore qualifies as a charitable donation
Ø Claim "knockers" as dependents
Ø Sign all forms with "XOXO" and "call me"
Ø Deduct palimony payments to David Caruso
Ø Report extra income from performing under the name "Tawdry Audrey"
Ø Do not literally "cook the books"; turns out that's just a saying
Ø Deduct cash value of making it through another year without killing Jessica Simpson. Believe me, that's fucking charity!
Ø Donate all of your assets to "Phil Spector Defense Fund"
Ø Claim your stalker as a dependent
Ø Deduct cost of "Whitesnake 4 Ever" tattoo removal
Ø Attach bar napkin with "W-2" written on it
Ø Answer every question, "None of your fucking business!"
Ø Deduct cost of replacement panties needed after tossing previous ones onstage at John Eddie concerts
'>Ø Fill out your tax forms with lip-liner
Ø Offer to settle up the tab with hot dominatrix session
Ø List your full name as Roxy Leona Moron-Busey
Ø Claim $752,987 in gambling losses
Ø Ask if you can get your refund in vodka

Biggest Surprises in 1st Democratic Candidate Debate

Joe Biden biting the head off of a live bat
Obama nailed the swimsuit competition
Richardson's numerous hate-filled rants on working mothers
Special musical appearance by Sanjaya
Apparently there's a candidate named Chris Dodd
Kucinich is actually Polish word for "mango"
Richardson's teary, romantic marriage proposal to Gravel
Moderators Bob Barker and Bam Margera
Hillary was the only candidate that didn't snicker whenever someone mentioned, "pulling out the troops"
Finale cage-match
Biden wasn't wearing pants behind the podium
DVD copy of debate can be purchased at NBC.com under the title, "Candidates Gone Wild"
Hillary's retort to, "suck my balls!"
Debate crashed by an intoxicated, sweaty and shirtless Ted Kennedy, shouting, "Take off your top!" Directed at Richardson
The way Chris Dodd answered some questions using adorable, little sock puppet called "Señor Doddy"
Nader getting pepper-sprayed and hog-tied at the entrance
Surprise announcement, "Imus In '08"
Edwards wrestling a live alligator
MSNBC's debut of "Debate Dancers"
Thought provoking question about gayness of Phil Spector's hairdos
Liberal use of stun gun throughout entire night
Kucinich showing up in blackface
7 minute bass solo
New rule that debate winner determined by whichever candidate receives a rose from Nancy Pelosi
Moderator's remark that Richardson should, "Zip it, Spanky!"

Things To Do Now That the Weather is Warmer

- defrost and dispose of the bodies
- check on Grandma, see if she made it through another winter
- put away sleazy winter clothes, replace with sleazy summer clothes
- remove tire chains, and ones on car, too
- put faux furs in faux storage
- plot revenge
- take down Christmas lights
- make transition from whiskey season to rum season
- join wet t-shirt contest circuit
- return "borrowed" snowblower
- "borrow" lawnmower
- drill hole in neighbor's boat
- shave off winter coat
- see if hot Lynyrd Skynyrd tour shirt will last another summer
- cut another inch off of "Daisy Duke" shorts
- go back to summer job as Robert Earl Keen groupie
- roust the Amish
- spend more quality time face down on the lawn
- call Trump Marina, see if ban's been lifted yet
- start taking top off at concerts again
- bathe outdoors
- anxiously await mailman's shorts uniform
- rehab!!!!
- replace "winter itch" cream with "summer itch" cream
- pitch for the Yanks
- 2 words: bottle blonde
- summer fling with a whole new class of dirtbag
- schedule bi-weekly bikini waxes
- wander the streets like an idiot
- stop hanging out in corners of dark, seedy bars
- start hanging out on patios of dark, seedy bars
- dredge ice fishing hut out of river
- stop wearing underwear!

Lowlife Revisited

If you can answer "Yes" to any of these questions... you're a lowlife


Ø Have you hit on me at some point?
Ø Can you belch all the words to a song?
Ø Have you ever aspired to become a 'Pussycat Doll' or to date Flava Flav?
Ø Did you have to inflate your last "significant other"?
Ø Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, now that's good eatin'?
Ø Is Tony Danza is a gifted performer?
Ø Having money doesn't mean you have class. You hear me, Donald Trump?
Ø Is Dow Jones the guy that sang 'What's New, Pussycat?'
Ø Does your retirement plan involve lottery tickets?
Ø Have you ever been beaten with chair on 'Springer'?
Ø Do you need someone to help you with the big words when you read the letters to 'Penthouse'?
Ø Have you ever appeared shirtless on 'Cops'?
Ø Do you know what it means when I refer to the "Lowest Common Denominator"?
Ø Is your response to anything that goes wrong to give 'em the finger?
Ø Do you stare transfixed at freakishly large implants?
Ø Do you know at least one guy who's missing all or part of a finger, and called "Lucky"?
Ø Do you prefer young broads and old whiskey, but gladly settle for the opposite if it's cold enough?
Ø Have you ever yanked it to a Disney film?
Ø Have you ever touched Bill Clinton on purpose?
Ø Are you Bill Clinton?
Ø Did we date at some point?
Ø Have you ever voted drunk?
Ø Are you in front of me in traffic?
Ø Have you ever had sex in the back of a truck? An ice cream truck? Was the little tune playing?
Ø Did the last art or cultural event you attended involve cars gettin' smashed up real good?
Ø Have you ever been elected to office in New Jersey?
Ø Are more than one of your kids named Rusty Jr., and don't share the same father?
Ø Are you now, or have you ever been a white rapper?
Ø Does your ankle bracelet beep when you leave your house?
Ø Have you been known to beat your kids when they "sass back"?
Ø Does the whitest sheet in your house go over your head?
Ø Have you "accidentally" had your cooch photographed by paparazzi? Twice?
Ø Are you related to Janet Jackson?
Ø Is your "family business" collecting government checks?
Ø Does your work uniform include pasties?
Ø Do you play the banjo?
Ø Did the plot of the last book you read involve finding a guy in glasses and a striped shirt?
Ø Are casino slots almost as loose as your wife?
Ø Does your diet consist mostly of Slim Jims?
Ø Have you ever called a phone sex line? To ask where your damn paycheck is?
Ø Has your designated driver just been sentenced to 45 days jail time?
Ø For legal purposes is your full name is Roxy Moron-Busey?
Ø Has a cop ever referred to you as "that dumb sum'bitch"?
Ø Are you worried that your dye job, ripped jeans, visible thong and tube top aren't really hiding the fact that you're 57 years old?

(in somewhat loving tribute to my favorite songwriter, y'all know who I mean)

Roxymoron and The... (Your Name Here)

Last weekend I attended the 2007 Wave Gathering music festival in Asbury Park. It was an insane 3-day marathon of amazing local band performances, hanging out with friends, and partying really, really, really hard! At the Wave I noticed many unique and intriguing band names, which got me thinking of what I'd call my band. So, ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for…

Roxymoron and The…

… Moron Tabernacle Choir
… Estranged Spouses
… Smaller Font
… Day Job Havers
… Other Guys
… Revolution (heck, there not busy)
… Emotional Baggage
… Severe Itch
… Home Wreckers
… Hell Are You Supposed To Be?
… Angry Wives
… Damaged Fender
… Hot Blonde Chick From That Show
… End Of Life As You've Come To Know It
… Missing Members (all female band)
… Correct Use of Grammar
… Deviant Behavior
… Lazy Stalkers
… Unhappy Ending
… Dirty Language
… Unwanted Pop-ups
… Raging Hormones
… Frightened Mailmen
… Angry Left
… Front Streetwalkers
… Blackouts
… Expired Restraining Orders
… Tax Evaders
… Star F*ckers
… Judgmental Misogynists
… Loss Of Equilibrium
… Best You Never Had
… Easily Impressed

Words of Wisdom… from Roxy

ü never taste hand sanitizer, even if it smells like fruit


ü mouth-to-mouth resuscitation with a gas station air hose doesn't work


ü before you call someone an "ignorant whore," stop and think to yourself, "Do I have on a decent pair of running shoes?"


ü Ozzfest attendance is not a license for public nudity


ü before going down on a politician, make sure he's wearing his seatbelt


ü never pass out in an RV, 'cause you never know where you'll wake up


ü if a guy says, "I make it with a different girl every night!" He's leaving out the part about it costing him $7.99 a minute


ü rubbing alcohol is strictly for rubbing

How To Seduce Wayne Newton

How To Seduce Wayne Newton

Two words: "Floor Show"

Tell him how much sexier he is than Paul Anka

Compliment his collection of kitten figurines

Who'd have thought that taking your shirt off at a concert on a dare, could actually work?

All the Cold Duck you can get your hands on

Stop calling him Tom Jones

Give 'em the ol' "Ziegfried & Roy" if you know what I mean

Role-play as Debbie Reynolds

Romantic weekend in Branson

I don't know what "Donkey Shane" is, but hell I'll try anything once

Be prepared to spend a crapload on feathered headdresses and sequined g-strings

Burn Celine Dion in effigy

Don't punch him in the balls when he tells you that you're much younger than most of the prostitutes he meets

Have the loosest slots in town

Signs That You’re In Love With Roxy

Signs That You're In Love With Roxy

v you were just served with a restraining order
v thinking seriously about breaking up with the other chicks you're banging
v you've stepped up the surveillance
v your rampant alcoholism
v you're naked and screaming on my front lawn
v that nervous, sinking feeling that your life is just about to change in a traumatic and permanent way
v you've recently undergone some form of lobotomy
v you're watching me walk out on you for the last time
v keep hearing those 3 little words, "Where's my gun?"
v you love watching me sleep, curled up with my Blackberry in one hand and an empty bottle of Jack in the other
v you just shined up the ol' Camaro, 'cus we's going bowling!
v you're willing to shoot a politician to show how much you care
v you're David Caruso
v the tequila hasn't worn off yet
v you're emotionally fragile and a poor judge of character
v you're getting paroled in a few months and need a place to crash
v you really likey in America stay!
v you've stopped paying strangers for sex, and yet it seems like you now pay so much more
v you spend up to 22 hours a day in the fetal position rocking back and forth mumbling, "Why God? Why?"
v you've carved my initials in your forearm
v Gary Busey has left you several threatening messages
v you actually find my blogs funny
v that dirty feeling, that just won't wash away
v I couldn't care less about you

Signs That Roxy is In Love With You (‘Cause Turnabout is Fair Play)

Signs That Roxy is In Love With You
('Cause Turnabout is Fair Play)

- no longer speaks to you, acknowledges you, or lives in the same state
- she's considering not sleeping with the other members of your band
- you've never done it in so many public places before
- her rampant alcoholism
- hesitates slightly before kicking you in the mouth with her boot
- you've seen her naked and she didn't require a credit card first
- uses endearments like, "Get the hell outta here, before I shoot you, weirdo!"
- gives you the angry, beady-eyed "come hither" stare
- took her personal ads down off of Craigslist, and the sex tapes off eBay
- finally gave you a "Roxymoron Witness Protection Program" T-shirt
- says those sweet words that mean so much, "Who do I make the check out to?"
- rambles on a lot less about hidden messages in "Ace of Base" albums that tell her to set fires
- took you to meet her "real" family in the Ozarks
- she's practically topless every time you see her
- hasn't called your mother a whore, recently
- gave you a key to her neighbor's place
- hasn't once tried to convert you to Scientology
- attends all of your court appearances, and not just to testify for the prosecution
- she keeps calling you Rick

Why I Love My Gun

Ø The Robert Blake/Phil Spector-approved solution for avoiding messy break-ups


Ø You expect me to drive without a gun?


Ø A chick packing heat makes for fantastic opportunities for sexual innuendo


Ø Sure fire way to shut Rosie O'Donnell the hell up


Ø I always have right-of-way at a 4-way stop


Ø How cool it makes me


Ø Took care of that pesky Jehovah's Witness problem


Ø What? Am I supposed to use a bow and arrow to shoot rats at the dump?


Ø More effective than sweet talk, when dealing with government officials


Ø It's always hard, ready to fire one off, and doesn't expect me to call it "Daddy". Of course, I do anyway!


Ø Adds that element of danger to any dinner party


Ø Settles every political debate almost instantly


Ø Makes me feel like a real man


Ø More effective than Prozac for treating depression and all its known causes


Ø Impresses the heck out of school kids


Ø Yes, that is a gun in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you


Ø How else am I gonna celebrate the New Year?


Ø Effectively gets Bill Maher offa my TV screen


Ø Gun + PMS = RUN!!!!


Ø I've got your peaceful conflict resolution, right here


Ø Well-played game of Roulette solves idiot over-population problem

Bravo’s Fall Line-Up

Bravo's Fall Line-Up


Staged Celebrity Wardrobe Malfunctions

Real Dumb Broads with Old Money and New Tits

So much "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" that you'll bleed from the eyes!

"Inside the Actor's Studio" featuring guests Nicole Richie, Joe Piscopo and Mike Ditka

How Our Shame Shared the Cab with Our Artistic Integrity

Continuing Coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's Death

Being Bob Barker

Re-airs of Crap You Didn't Watch on NBC the First Time

Hasselhoff's World

Tattoos and Meth

Kathy Griffin Does Some Annoying Shit

Top Vaguely-Gay Profession

Bars and Tone

Roxy’s Dating Advice

Roxy's Dating Advice

v Never call his wife to see if he's free
v Don't just immediately get naked and start going at it after dinner, at least wait for the check to come
v Make sure you're not in the film he invited you over to watch
v Always refer to him as Mr. Senator
v It is not cool to bitch-slap his ex. Unless of course, he's not looking
v If he asks you to loan him $30k for a few weeks, he's probably scamming you. Unless you really, really, really love and trust him
v Remember when on a date, dinner and dancing doesn't involve a pole and a $9.99 buffet
v "Fuck me" pumps is just an expression, if you want it to be
v It's not a good sign if he has to just drop off some pizzas on the way to the theater
v Ladies, you can't judge a book by its cover. It doesn't matter what kind of car a man drives, make sure you see where he lives, too
v A true lady can resist the temptation to stab your fork in his eye if he mentions freakin' Mariah Carey one more time!
v No matter how long he waits to call you after a date, it is never okay to harm one of his pets
v If at any point during the evening he calls you, "Mommy," run, don't walk, to the nearest exit
v Guys, it is never cool to date her sister. I don't care how much of a screaming hell-bitch she was to you
v By third date it is okay to get his ATM card and pin number
v Test his commitment to the relationship by sleeping with his father
v If he says he wants to set you up in an apartment, make sure his intentions are good, and that he means the security deposit and utilities, too
v A true gentleman lets you ring the little bell on the ice cream truck
v Ladies, it is never proper to begin a date with, "You're not a cop, are you?"
v If she's trying to convince you to join Scientology, it's not really a date

Sparky’s New Girlfriend

I hear from Sparky the Monkey Boy that he has a new girlfriend, named Bailey. Other than being attracted to men who wear helmets, here are few other interesting facts about her…

Amadeus was her favorite painter
Thinks Dr. Phil is married to Dr. Ruth
Overcame her addiction to eating paste
Convinced that oral sex is the same thing as dirty talk
Wishes shoelace tying was easier
Gets headaches from sniffing too much spray paint
Has black bars tattooed over strategic places on her body
Loves to stick her head out of the window when riding in cars
Her parents were 1st cousins
Has read cover to cover every book in the "Left Behind" series
Named after the liqueur Bailey's Irish Cream, because she too goes down easy
Is missing a couple of chromosomes, but the good news is they found them in her brother
Can go almost 20 minutes without blinking
Because she's illiterate, doesn't enjoy alphabet soup
Has a face only a mother could love, a mother Rottweiler
Thinks, "Get bent!" is a form of foreplay
Believes that the "Ernest" movies are based on true stories
Has 911 on her speed dial as *6785

Cosmo Articles That Didn’t Make The Cut

v How To Please Your Man Using A Ball-Peen Hammer Creatively

v Fellate Your Way To The Top

v What the Speed of Your Man's Sperm Says About You

v Are Your Implants Big Enough?

v He's Committed To You Now, But Is It Okay That He Still Sleeps With His Mom?

v Are You As Smart As You Fucking Think You Are?

v Pull And Pray: We Examine Which Forms Of Birth Control Are Most Effective

v He Enjoys Broadway Musicals, Does That Mean He Appreciates Sodomy?

v Should Teens Have Plastic Surgery? Take Our "How Ugly Is Your Kid?" Quiz

v If You Don't Swallow Does That Mean It's Not Love? [7 Signs You Should Move On]

v The 4 C's of Buying A Diamond: Color, Cut, Clarity and Cock. The Bigger the Latter, the Smaller the Former

Signs That You're a Sex Addict

ü Your mailman is terrified, and walks with a distinct limp

ü There are a very few places where you're still allowed to purchase produce

ü On more than one occasion you've returned from your lunch break with your dress on backwards

ü You send naked pictures of yourself… with your Christmas cards

ü Your number is written on the Men's Room walls of every bar in town. You know because you wrote it there

ü You can't wait for your wife to hit the campaign trail again

ü You've been the subject of no less than 42 "Letters To Penthouse"

ü You will respond to any of the following pet names: "Baby," "Hot Stuff," or "Hey You"

ü Every guy you know falls into one of two categories: "Would Do 'Em," or "Did 'Em"

ü UPS drivers fight over who gets to make deliveries to your house

ü Jehovah's Witnesses fight over who gets to visit your house

ü You can undress and re-dress in the time it takes most people to vote

ü Your showerhead has a name

ü You've received numerous "Cease and Desist" letters from Larry King because of obscene phone calls

ü Your vibrator has a car adapter

Likely Ways Roxy Will Meet Her Demise (revisited)

- Natural causes at age 36
- Gopher attack
- Pushed out of moving car
- Hail of gunfire
- Drano-rita
- Head explodes while trying to comprehend why Jenny McCarthy is famous
- Beaten to death on "Springer"
- Some vicious STD. C'mon, you know you're all thinking it
- Assassinated by C.I.A.
- Boogie Fever
- In bed with a big smile on my face! Woo-hoo!
- Running with scissors
- Freak "Thigh Master" accident
- Self-inflicted eye wounds
- Shooting off big mouth while being robbed at ATM
- Pushed down stairs by gigolo
- At liposuction clinic in Tijuana
- If I were you, I'd put my money on "behind the wheel"
- Murdered by ex. Body never recovered. No one surprised. Especially other exes.
- Attempting to jump 7 school buses on a Harley
- Boredom
- Really bad paper cut
- Chained to a bed
- Lightning strike in church during confession
- Jealous spouse(s)
- Court ordered
- Slipping on own vomit
- Wild weekend with Teddy Kennedy, so suicide
- On the altar during wedding to husband 5
- Listening to Justin Timberlake album
- At Knicks playoff game, at age 107
- Not exactly sure how, but it involves a dare, a former member of "Winger" and a bottle of Tequila
- David Blaine stunt goes horribly, horribly wrong
- Ignoring "Elk Crossing" sign
- Celine Dion/John Tesh concert
- Hitchhiker
- In Monica Lewinsky's place due to mistaken identity
- Alien Moon Cult mass suicide
- Pole-dancing accident
- Stabbed while re-enacting the timeless classic "Delilah" a little too well
- Failure to heed "Danger: Laser in Use" sign
- Drown in goldfish bowl after giving pet mouth-to-mouth (pet OK)
- Passing on free concealed hand gun training
- In some filthy hotel room, with a Jack Daniels bottle in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other, and a 22 year-old stud named Armando going through my purse

Other Things That “Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”

(another homage to my favorite songwriter, as I identified with the inspiration/sentiment)

ü giving Willard Scott that lifetime contract

ü remaking "The Bionic Woman" TV show

ü Letting Britney Spears make her own career decisions

ü Saving yourself for marriage

ü Gun control

ü Unprotected sex with any member of the Osmond Family

ü Listening to Michael Moore

ü A bottle of whiskey, a member of a "Tull" cover band and as much Crisco as you could get your hands on

ü Joining myspace.com

ü Bartending on a cruise with John Eddie, his band, entourage and fans

ü Taking those pills you found at the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's purse

ü The entire government of the state of New Jersey

ü Congestion pricing for NYC drivers …oh no, wait …that's "Seemed Like The Most Fucking Retarded Idea I've Ever Heard"

ü Natural childbirth

ü Unnatural childbirth

ü Explaining to Jessica Simpson or any reality TV star that Jimmy Buffet and Warren Buffet aren't brothers

ü Telling me how you really feel about me

ü Renting "Jerry Springer's Erotica"

ü A free t-shirt for showing my boobies to the camera!

ü Yoko Ono's karaoke night

ü Pointing out to your fiancé's parents the phone booth where you lost your virginity

ü Trying to blog witty on 4 hours sleep

ü Setting fires just because your iPod told you to

O.J. Excuses That Might Have Been More Believable

· It was a wardrobe malfunction


· I did not have sex with that memorabilia


· I've never even been to Las Vegas


· I was confused... I'd been out late partying with Lindsay and Paris


· No habla Englais


· I was just doing a favor for a guy I met in the airport bathroom


· You mean this isn't "Punk'd?"


· That damned Ambien!


· I was supposed to meet Frank Drebbin


· I was just getting my bloody gloves


· Someone said something about Wayne Newton tickets?


· It had been nearly a month since my last appearance on "Dateline"


· I hit the Heisman Trophy Progressive Slots, and they said I could pick it up in room 1276


· I wanted to disprove that, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"

Why Things Didn’t Work Out Between Jon Bon Jovi and Me

o Kept calling out his own name during sex; which I didn't mind so much, except I was trying to get some sleep

o Only performs "encores" onstage, if you know what I mean

o Used all of the conditioner

o We had the same "time of the month"

o Neither of us could reach the stuff in the high cabinets

o Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear kept leaving stains on the couch, and they smelled like arthritis cream

o Wouldn't stop listening to those damn Josh Groban CD's

o Just couldn't fucking be faithful… no matter how hard I tried

o Every time I was in the mood for sex it was a real bitch getting him out of the house

o I accidentally heard one of his CD's

o Could no longer deal with his obsessively comparing himself to John Eddie

o How much luxury and money can one gal take? Oh my God! What have I done???

o "Doin' it" in the alley behind the Dunkin Donuts is not my idea of a romantic evening… anymore

o Opening the Prudential Center is the first time he's ever performed 10 nights in a row!

Professions That Will Impress Former Classmates at High School Reunion

"So, what do you do for a living?"

- I'm a pirate
- Underwear model
- I'm required by the state of NJ to inform you that I'm a registered sex offender
- Marine Gynecologist
- I'm the 78th Bass Player for Foghat
- I used to pilot the Exxon Valdez… used to
- Ambassador to France, no really look it up
- Leader of "Vegans for Jesus"
- Pope
- Male Gigolo
- Monkey waxer
- Pimp
- Headmistress of the 2nd most successful S&M parlor in Dubuque
- Local icon
- Teenage heartthrob
- Green Party candidate for president
- I lead a Doomsday cult
- Pop & lock dancer
- Scab writer
- Assistant Evil Genius
- Snoopy character at local theme park
- Guy who puts the cream inside of Ding-Dongs
- Hair artist
- Monkey trainer
- Guy who decides 'em freshness dates fer beers
- Governor of New Jersey, and I work at a car wash on weekends
- I start fires …with my mind...
- Waste management
- Male exotic dancer
- Cigarette company guinea pig
- I hold the secret to half of the recipe for Coca-Cola
- Condom stretcher
- Officer in the French Foreign Legion
- I'm in grass
- Tyippest (20n words a mibnute)
- I design adult diapers
- Transient
- Federally indicted sports player

Thanksgiving Memories

The time the spirit of the season overtook us, and we freed all of those Asian immigrants we kept chained, making wallets in the rec. room… and let them use the bathroom

Grandpa's first successful parole hearing

The family gathering to watch a classic movie about the occasion… Saw II

Stuffing next year's Halloween candy with razor blades

Getting the Christmas decorations out of next door neighbors' basements

My first time on the pole

Stuffing the wrong bird

The Great Mormon cranberry ban of '02

Watching the fire light dance on the embers, as my enemies burn

Arriving early to find a good spot at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and pick-pocketing like a Dickens character on speed

Blowing Snoopy… you know, up… for the big parade

The annual train ride to visit our divorce lawyers

When a loved one reminds us of what's really important, like who our Daddy is

Vacation time away from the Death Squad

Grandma finally getting off her fat, drunk ass to cook something

The joys of preparing for a child's first rehab stint

Catching Dad in Mom's new party dress, without the matching bag and shoes

The whole family venturing together out into the woods, to cut down a rival crime family

Writer’s Strike Desperation

The ongoing Writer's Guild of America strike is forcing TV network execs to take desperate measures... check out some of the upcoming replacement reality TV series...

- America's Drunkest Cops

- Blue Hair Nation

- Who Wants To Marry A Mongoloid?

- Are You Smarter Than An Olsen Twin?

- Who Really Gives A Shit About Kathy Griffin?

- The Real World: Kandihar

- Smell Like A Rockstar

- Where In The World Is Justin Guarini?

- Yi Ha The Chinese Cowboy

- Survivor: Chernobyl

- Drinking With The Stars

- The Price Is $5.00

- Amateur Porn

What’s Wrong With You?

- You were born without a head

- You're still upright and taking in oxygen

- People stopped dancing "The Hustle" in groups at least 20 years ago

- Wearing pants on your head is only funny once, not everyday

- You were the inspiration for "Gomer Pyle, USMC"

- You think that Sandanista is Santa Claus' sister

- The way your ear twitches uncontrollably makes me want to shake you 'til you're dead

- You only spell "come" the dirty way

- Even worse than being in a "boy band" is being manager of one

- You talk on the cell phone too much... while using the bathroom... at the bus station!

- You ended up 20 miles from home before you realized that "No U-Turn" didn't mean you specifically

Good Concert/Bad Concert…John Eddie Concert

The woman in the front row is topless = Good Concert
She's your mom = Bad Concert
She's also pantsless = John Eddie Concert


The good-looking lead singer slips you his room key = Good Concert
He asks you not to wake his mom when you come in = Bad Concert
He just wants you to clean the room = John Eddie Concert


Rolling Stones covers = Good Concert
Whitney Houston covers = Bad Concert
Both covered, and guitar used to represent phallus = John Eddie Concert


Blistering guitar solo = Good Concert
Blistering piccolo solo = Bad Concert
Just blistering = John Eddie Concert


Roxy is in the front row screaming = Good Concert
She's screaming, "Untie me now, John Tesh!" = Bad Concert
She's screaming, "Has anybody seen my panties?" (every guy in room raises hand) = John Eddie Concert


The band plays all of their hits = Good Concert
It takes them three minutes = Bad Concert
Every one of them features the word "fuck" at least twice = John Eddie Concert


Lead singer is drunk again = Good Concert
Lead singer is born again = Bad Concert
Lead singer is an hour and a half late = John Eddie Concert


Your friend is making out with one of the guys in the band = Good Concert
He has an open sore on his lip = Bad Concert
Your friend only "looks like" a chick = John Eddie Concert


It's the hottest thing to do in town tonight = Good Concert
That's because a fire broke out = Bad Concert
The second hottest thing to do is cow-tipping = John Eddie Concert


Two chicks make out = Good Concert
They're the Indigo Girls = Bad Concert
They do it onstage = John Eddie Concert



…if you never see John Eddie live in concert, you will have lead a sad, deprived life, and I pity you

Surprising Facts About New Bon Jovi Action Figure

Most dolls are 12" tall; his is only 10" to appear more to scale
At least it doesn't talk
Unlike pretty-boy Ken, Bon Jovi doll is anatomically correct
It's the little outfits that really cost you
"Bad Medicine" CD sold separately
More like Bon Jovi "not getting any" Action figure
Bon Jovi groupie dolls made with less plastic than actual Bon Jovi groupies
Richie Sambora dolls serve dual purpose as handy doorstop
Doll doesn't speak to or acknowledge you, just like real Bon Jovi
Free Tico Torres dolls included with purchase
Bon Jovi doll plays more chords than actual Bon Jovi
Doll hair not waterproof
Free VHS copy of "U-571" with every purchase
When used appropriately, just as satisfying as real Bon Jovi in bed
Richie Sambora doll's head can also be used as a pizza cutter
Dolls actually gayer than real Bon Jovi
Doll also incapable of choosing a script that isn't shit
Life-like IQ
You can claim doll as a dependent in New Jersey
Doll also known to make surprise appearances at "Jukes" shows
Doll's house still costs more than yours
Can kick G.I. Joe's ass ('cus he's a cowboy…on a steel horse he rides…)
Tiny Denise Richards doll blows tiny Richie Sambora doll
Like real Bon Jovi, doll will probably also sell out

Things Overheard At the Gyno's Office

q You put what where?
q That's where I left my keys!
q Does it always smoke like that?
q Just put 'em on the glass, lady
q That's the strangest place I've ever seen a Yankees logo
q Nurse, could you please take the speculum out of the freezer?
q Madonna's here, better cancel all my other appointments
q Just look at that shine
q No, Mr. Jackson I'm fairly certain you're not pregnant
q Just because they're called stirrups, doesn't mean you have to say "Giddyup" Mrs. Clinton
q Now, that's the biggest one of those I've ever seen!
q I think we've found the cause of that itch. Have you by chance been dating Tommy Lee?
q Get the big mop
q Hello-o-o-o
q I always thought "Great Dane in the morning" was just an expression
q Was that your kidney?
q Take off that mask! Mr. Sheen, is that you?
q Dear God, sir! You want the proctologist's office next door!
q I'd say you've had about 27 children
q Is it normal to have three different people check you for lumps? In the waiting room?
q What the hell is that?
q Ms. Spears you're supposed to lie on the table facing the other way
q I don't care if you were the president, you're still not allowed in here!
q That must have been one helluva painful Bon Jovi tattoo
q Do I really have to take a number?
q For the last time, we are NOT hiring Mr. Aaronson!

Least Popular Euphemisms for Masturbating

v Posting a blog
v Seeing Bon Jovi in concert
v Passing a non-binding resolution
v Using the EZ Pass
v Googling yourself
v Polishing the lawn gnome
v Breaking in the intern
v Earning a free t-shirt
v Taking the local uptown
v Attending an opening
v Itemizing deductions
v Voting for Sanjaya
v Missing your exit off the Turnpike
v Closing down the border
v Putting up condos in Asbury
v Recharging the iPod
v Making a scene in the village
v Dealing in antiquities
v Parking near the tunnel
v Viewing YouTube
v Rebooting the hard drive
v Browsing at The Gap
v Laying off some prosecutors
v Grabbin' yourself a cocktail, y'all

(This is the stuff I come up with while commuting. Aren't you glad you don't carpool with me?)

Signs You’re Being Stalked By Roxy

ü Abnormally high amount of car accidents have occurred outside your house lately
ü Keep finding empty Old Milwaukee cans strewn about your yard
ü There are saliva marks on your car windows, and you don't own a dog
ü Although sometimes she's blonde and other times brunette, you're certain you've seen that woman in the sunglasses and "Thinking Sucks" t-shirt before
ü You're governor of New Jersey
ü When you're sleeping, you're pretty sure it's not your conscience telling you to, "Buy tighter jeans"
ü Your mailman seems more buxom than usual
ü You don't remember buying the leopard print thong you just found in the drawer
ü You're Bob Barker
ü Your pet parrot keeps repeating the phrase, "Jackrabbit sonofabitch!"
ü You keep getting anonymous postcards from the hotel down the street telling you to, "Open your damn blinds!"
ü UPS always seems to ring the bell every time you're in the shower
ü The photos of your ex-girlfriends had faces when you put them in the album
ü You know you didn't download "Tom Jones' Greatest Hits" to your iPod
ü More than one of your neighbors has asked you, "Who's the loud bitch in the leather bra?"
ü Your porn magazines now have highlighted articles
ü All your liquor tastes watered down, and the Bailey's is clear
ü You spot some Jehovah's Witnesses running like hell away from your house
ü On more than one occasion you've come home to find the cats high
ü Every time you step outside you hear what sounds like a camera. Unfortunately, it's a Polaroid
ü Corner mailbox keeps moving closer and closer to your bedroom window
ü Every applicant for your receptionist position has the same phone number, and it costs $3.99 a minute
ü You've recently noticed several locks of your hair for sale on eBay
ü More than one member of the Allman Brothers Band has showed up at your door asking, "Is Roxy here?"
ü You have 50 phone messages, and they all sound like David Caruso crying
ü You've never heard your shrubs holler, "Fuck! Fire ants!" before

21 Things You Didn’t Know About Roxy

1. She was one of the original Osmond Family Singers.
2. Ed McMahon may be her biological father.
3. Spends a little too much time playing with fingernail glue, if you know what I mean.
4. Speaks English only phonetically.
5. Has a list of her enemies, but can't remember which stall she wrote it in.
6. Was once a spokesmodel for Casual Corner. Seriously.
7. Has a PhD in Geography, but can't remember all the state capitals.
8. Once consumed her own weight in Popov.
9. Is an expert markswoman.
10. First coined the phrase "Canadian Mounted Police"
11. Has been the recipient of exactly 5 "cease and desist" orders from Gloria Steinem.
12. Once spent a weekend chained to a radiator at Stone Phillips' place.
13. Was the inspiration for the movie "Legally Blonde 2"
14. Has had her right to vote revoked in 17 states, and her driver's license revoked in 26.
15. Sleeps with a Snoopy nightlight.
16. Has all of Michael Bolton's albums. Autographed.
17. Is a registered Communist and a member of the Screen Actors Guild
18. Once shot a man for snoring too loud.
19. Is wanted in more than one Mexican state.
20. Has been edited out of more "Girls Gone Wild" videos than she's appeared in.
21. Once ran for governor in California.

Pick-up Lines That Everytime Work On An Irish Gal (Like Me)

Wanna see the snake that St. Patrick couldn't chase out of Ireland?
What does the size of my shillelagh say about me?
Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien.
Somewhere on my body I've hidden a lucky shamrock. If you find it, you get to keep the shamrock.
Wanna drink whiskey until you see double and feel single?
You look magically delicious!
Why don't you and your twin sister come over and we'll "do Dublin"?
Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like to have sex with me?
Can I borrow a quarter? I need to call my mother and tell her I've found the girl I'm going to annoy for the next 5-10 minutes.
I'd like to take you out for a 7-course gourmet Irish meal. That's a potato and a six-pack.
Wanna kiss my Blarney Stone?

Your Significant Other Might Be A Loon…

- Gets pumped up for lovemaking by listening to Clay Aiken
- Recently shaved her head, then attacked paparazzi with an umbrella
- Wrote you a beautiful love poem, in bleach on your front lawn
- During sex he called you by the wrong name. Only the name he called you was Barbra Streisand
- His pick-up line was, "Ever do it with a co-dependent, manic-depressive with "mommy" issues?
- Changed her myspace quote to "Erin Go Bragh-less"
- Refers to his "manly parts" as Tony Orlando and Dawn
- Wrote a book called, "If I Did It"
- She has Jets season tickets
- Refers to himself as "The King of Pop"
- Named his new hammer after you
- Wrote the song, "Dick in a Box" based on real-life experience
- Oftentimes you'll find her in her office topless and licking the window
- Calls everyday to tell you he loves you. Despite your having changed your number 7 times, moved to 4 different states, and taken out numerous restraining orders
- Names all his condiments after characters from "The Brady Bunch"
- Keeps referring to herself as "The Artist Formerly Known As Roxy"
- Refers to his Camaro as a "Dumb Chick Magnet"
- Informs you that she's been having an affair… with the toaster… and is carrying it's lovechild
- Your private investigator took photos of him checking into a sleazy motel with a blow up doll that resembled Rosie O'Donnell
- Claimed a garden hose as a dependent on her last tax return
- He's holding your dog for ransom
- Mentions casually several times throughout dinner conversation that he'd like to make love to a parking meter
- He's married to Hillary Clinton

Stuff Roxy Will Never Do Again

- Have erotic fantasies about Merv Griffin
- Lie under oath to protect an elected official
- "Tip" the pizza boy when I'm short on ones
- Pretend to care
- Volunteer to drive Robert Downey, Jr. home
- Wear a Wonderbra to aerobics
- Marry a Baldwin
- Shave my head to match my who-ha
- Disregard "For External Use Only" warnings
- Have sex with some guy just because he looks a lot like Elvis
- Have sex with some guy just because he thinks he just saw Elvis
- Make a topless appearance on "Cops"
- Barbeque indoors
- Send erotic pictures to Jay Leno, of Jay Leno
- Pretend to be Diana Ross to get into V.I.P. rooms
- Be a "Warrant" groupie
- Forget to check if my skirt is tucked into the back of my pantyhose before leaving the house
- Taunt Oprah
- Have a "lost weekend" with Larry King
- Announce my arrival at places with, "Rox-ay in da hiz-ouse"
- Show up at Anderson Cooper's taping in nothing but a raincoat
- Bring an erotic cake to a baptism
- Dare Mickey Rourke to do anything
- Go over to David Caruso's place just to "talk"
- Introduce Angelina Jolie to anyone
- Anything Jon-Bon begs me to
- Borrow Britney's underwear
- Intern at the White House

Just Doing Stuff...

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...
But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.
You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets
You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!
Are You Romantic or Realistic?

You Are 12% Shy

You aren't shy at all, in fact, you're probably quite outgoing.
You are comfortable in almost any social situation, no matter how difficult.
How Shy Are You?

You Should Be a Painter

You have the vision, patience, and skill to bring your unique visions to canvas.
And you're even tempered enough not to cut your ear off in the process!
What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Wonder Woman and Batgirl
Boobie Name Generator

You Are 24% Pure

You've either done it, thought about it, or at least heard about it.
Luckily, there's a few things left for you to try!
How Pure Are You?

You Are 52% Impulsive

You're quite impulsive, but you never are reckless.
You qualify as a very spontaneous person, but you still know how to honor your commitments.
And while responsibility doesn't come easy to you, having fun does!
Are You Impulsive?

You Are An Apple Tree

You are quiet and shy at times, but you have lots of charm and appeal.
You are quite attractive: your pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, and adventurous spirit draw people in.
Sensitive and loyal in love, you want to love and be loved.
You are a faithful and tender partner - who is generous in sharing your many talents.
You love children, and you need an affectionate partner.
What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You May Be a Bit Histrionic...

Dramatic and over the top, you crave attention.
And you'll do anything it takes to get noticed.
You love to be seductive, even when it's inappropriate.
If you're ignored, you're easily hurt ... and act out even more!
What Personality Disorder Are You?

Signs That Your Life is Falling Apart

You have desperate, hopeless thoughts about giving up on it all, and just voting for Hillary in '08
The mailman you've been cheating with got pissed and broke it off when he discovered you were also doing the UPS guy
Nowadays you run out of Jack Daniels faster than you run out of half & half, and you buy half & half by the pint
You shaved your head and no one was shocked
You care deeply about how the Anna Nicole and James Brown sagas will turn out
Your new favorite TV show is "The Girls Next Door." Seriously
The only recipes you've prepared recently involve 3 parts vodka, 1 part tonic
Never run out of kindling for the fireplace, since you started using crumpled up drafts of suicide notes
Al Gore starting to look like a hot, hip, young stud
The most intimate question you've been asked by a man lately was, "Would you like to biggie size that?"
The closest thing you've had to oral sex in months was when a bassist friend yelled, "Fuck you!" at you from the other room
Your new email address is worthless.loserchick78@hotmail.com
You actually considered attending a David Cassidy concert
You gave up smoking cigarettes for Lent, but took up smoking crack
Jon "Numb Nuts" Corzine keeps calling to ask you out, and you're considering it
Just wish you could meet a nice guy, settle down, and be kept chained in the basement
Giving lap dances to the homeless just doesn't cheer you up like it used to
Cable goes out more than you do
Lindsay Lohan organized an intervention for you
You're actually listening to your mother
Unable to muster the energy to be your usual outgoing, promiscuous whore self
Just learned that Barry White was dead
Threatening unsuspecting telemarketers less, coming onto them more
Given up on personal hygiene routine. Now spending only 45 minutes a day washing hands
You've been on the cover of the Daily News four times in the past month
You don't even care that you're wearing Via Spiga shoes with a Prada bag, like some kind of hobo
You confused a "Pampered Chef" party with a "Fantasy Lingerie" party, and didn't figure it out until you'd spent $425 on salad tongs

… be sure to look for the next installment, 'The New Man in Roxy's Life" coming soon. You might really like it, but probably not.

Secrets About Gary That Will Come Out in Divorce Court…

ü Some people have skeletons in their closet, Gary has actual human remains
ü Raves maniacally that he was an actor and starred in something called "The Buddy Holly Story"
ü Reality program "Living with Busey" is a cakewalk compared to really living with Busey
ü Names his Bolo ties
ü Has every album Diana Ross has ever recorded
ü Forgets to wear helmet around the house
ü I was only 15 when I married him, he traded my parents a pig
ü Wraps Christmas presents in Temporary Restraining Orders
ü Had a brief, torrid love affair with Anne Heche
ü Only gets turned on by being told how much more attractive he is than Nick Nolte
ü Frequently scratches his "area" with a claw hammer
ü Feels that "all ages" John Eddie show contains appropriate subject matter for children
ü Arranges his sock drawer using principles of Feng Shui
ü Has $3k a week Flintstones vitamin habit
ü He brought a date to our marriage therapist appointment
ü Almost lobotomized self once trying to clear his sinuses with a Phillips head
ü Cries after sex, especially when he catches you having it with someone else
ü Not only were his parents cousins, they were unmarried cousins
ü He's sterile from years of pine cleanser consumption
ü Believes he is Willie Nelson's half-brother
ü Masturbates like a chimp on Cialis
ü Goes through like seven Epilady shavers a year, you don't want to know how
ü Lost his virginity to Sandy Duncan
ü Mugshot is posted in the employee lounge of every "Hooters" in North America
ü Monkey-ass crazy is, as monkey-ass crazy does

Reasons Why Roxy’s Husband Is Leaving Her

- didn't like that I hired a hot, young pool boy; especially since we don't have a pool
- Roxy turned 30, time to trade in for a younger model
- once again, Pamela Anderson is available
- sobered up
- I refused to increase his allowance
- broken-bottle fights just not as spontaneous anymore
- turned himself over to authorities
- can't afford marriage penalty taxes anymore
- became suspicious when FedEx guy started dropping off packages five times a day
- sick of incessant phone call hang ups from Keith Richards
- pills wore off
- realized he'd accidentally married the wrong sister
- received Val-Pak coupon for area divorce lawyer
- discovered Roxy's "scary, little secret" in the crawlspace
- not enough Viagra in the world for this bitch
- I don't find the pet name "Cletus" to be cute anymore
- I recently discovered that he wasn't an abusive, insecure, alcoholic, so he had to go
- decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming Broadway chorus dancer
- I never really understood his appreciation for the music of "The Go-Gos"
- no longer finds my cold, spiteful, disinterest to be endearing
- finally saw me drive
- he wanted to rent an action film, I thought a comedy, so we decided to call the whole thing off
- he's tired of trying to come up with new ways to disguise the poison
- finally figured out how I got all those Hilton Honors points
- his midlife crisis ended

A few kind words for Anna

I'll admit it, the year was off to a great start. Lots of new and exciting stuff was happening to ol' Rox. While lately there have been the usual ups and downs, today's news knocked the wind out of me... Anna Nicole Smith has long been a regular target of mine. I can truly appreciate anyone brave enough to be a parody of themselves, and Anna Nicole made it an art form.

A poor, dumb girl from Mexia that learned early on how to find self-worth in the attentions of the opposite sex. She battled her demons by putting on a big smile, something tight and low cut, and telling the world that she was willing to be a walking, talking sexual fantasy. A Frankenstein constructed of naive stupidity, unleashed libido, indignant fury and silicone. If you didn't respect her, she didn't care. If you desired her, you fed the fire.

We live in a world where fashion says women should be built like teenaged boys and ladies should dress and act like men to earn their place in the boardroom. Forgive me, but I'll choose to be seen as the sexed-up, shameless flirt, that could just maybe rock your little world, every time. I do so because sometimes in life the easiest way to hide a hardened heart, a patched-up spirit, and a grateful soul is under a little black dress adorned with spiked heels. Love is fleeting, life is short, and you've gotta grab all the good memories you can get. Anna Nicole knew this.

So next time I put on a pair of tight jeans, a low cut blouse, enough make-up to make Mary Kay herself blush, and drink beyond the point of good judgment, I'll be thinking, "Anna Nicole, this one's for you, baby!"

Plans for Retirement

So, recently I met with my financial advisor to discuss my retirement plan. He asked me what I'd like to do after retiring, and here are some ideas that I had...
- Spend more time outside of David Caruso's house.
- Not a goddamned thing.
- Re-read old porno mags stacked up outside trailer.
- Take out trash, finally.
- Travel to next county and learn about their culture.
- Rail against the Canadian government.
- Get in on free-government-cheese gravy train.
- Scratch all day.
- Spend a butt-load on polyester pantsuits.
- Finish a book.
- Get that mole looked at.
- Feign senility to get away with insulting people to their faces.
- Campaign to get Lawrence Welk and Hee-Haw back on the air.
- See what's shaking at Wal-Mart.
- Never wear bra again.
- Get my G.E.D.
- Call everyone Billy.
- Spend less time with everyone.
- Bitch about government. More.
- Try to figure out appeal of morning shows.
- Have facelifts until I have a beard.
- Spend more time with someone else's grandkids.
- Sit on porch, threaten kids with rifle if they don't, "Get offa my lawn!"
- Drive pretty much the same way I do now.
- Cheat death for another year.
- Recruit gigolo.

Signs That Relationship May Be On the Rocks

Foreplay now consists of, "Do I have to? We just did it last month."
Wants to wife-swap with Kid Rock.
He sends cards reminding me, it takes two people to maintain a cold, loveless marriage of convenience.
Every time I experience a passionate night of lovemaking, there's a presidential election.
Pretty sure I saw a picture of him in the tabloids holding hands with Hillary Clinton.
Just not feeling like my cold, distant self lately.
I no longer find joke about, "Rebound Wife" to be funny.
Instead of money in "Hooker" Jar, it is full of IOU's.
Towels are monogrammed "His" and "Anyone else"
Finding self only aroused when thinking of Keith Richards.
Oftentimes, my husband daydreams that I am a 22-year-old model who was married to Donald Trump for about 5 minutes.
No longer finds my unhealthy, 24/7 obsession with David Caruso cute.
Starts laughing his ass off whenever I'm half naked.
Entire day spent on couch watching "Oprah" and crying. It's really starting to get on my nerves. Grabs a notepad every time commercial for "900" girl chat line comes on TV, and always gets me when he calls.
I've recently become one of the five best computer solitaire players in the world.
My only joy? Arrival of Sharper Image neck massager catalog.
Says he's going drinking with people from work, yet comes home sober, and he works at Rick's Cabaret.
Seems to have an awful lot of Hilton Reward Points.
When we go to the beach he always says "Hey, those rocks remind me of us."

New Year's Resolutions

Eat less toothpaste
Try to greet mailman sober, fully-dressed and not waving gun around
Stop sending money to that charming TV preacher
Use lower caliber for shooting squirrels
Stop sneaking Polonium 210 into salt shakers at Applebee's
Learn to appreciate NASCAR
Run for senate in New York and New Jersey
Come up with more offensive nickname for Jon "Numb Nuts" Corzine
Swing dancing lessons
Upgrade computer to be Y2K compliant
Get real estate investment advice from Harry Reid
Stop telling people I'm the producer of the Broadway musical version of "Baywatch"
Limit extra-marital affairs to guys named Rick
Stop claiming to be the Prime Minister of France at parties
Learn to appreciate the things I steal
Quit referring to Sean Penn as a "genius"
Stop stalking Bob Barker
Lose 150 pounds
Stop calling "Maury" claiming to be Al Gore's Baby Momma
Remember that crystal meth is no substitute for love
Stop free-basing plastic
Change cat box
Stop stripping under name "Molly McButter"
Finally get "I (heart) Al Sharpton" tattoo removed
Limit "Springer" appearances to 2 per month
Stop anonymously reporting co-workers to the N.S.A.
Remove video cameras from neighbors' bedrooms
Stop sending threatening letters to Erik Estrada
Stop taunting the Amish
Remove lead paint from house
Stop ordering make-up from the Katherine Harris collection
Figure out what happened to J. Lo
Stop partying with Paris, Lindsay and Britney
End unhealthy romantic obsession with Hugo Chavez
Stop confusing Star Jones with Queen Latifah
Stop confusing Queen Latifah with Queen Elizabeth
Stop encouraging Michael Jackson
Figure out what the hell "High School Musical" is
Start using new catchphrase, "Wow, that's a lot of mangoes!"
Stop sneaking booze and pills to Miss USA in rehab
Cancel subscription to "Martha Stewart Living"
Stop stealing unattended purses and cell phones on the subway
Watch more car chase movies
Start recognizing Alabama's statehood
Stop filing frivolous lawsuits against McDonalds
Finish what I star

Reasons Why I Can’t Love You Anymore…

§ You don't remember my name
§ You never return my phone calls, emails or car
§ You ran up $253,117 on my credit card
§ In public you refer to me as "that girl I'd never do"
§ I don't find the way you flirt with other women to be coy and playful anymore
§ I don't find the way you bring them home to be "hard to get" anymore
§ In the last love song you wrote for me you used the word "nag" 12 times and the phrase "die bitch" 7 times
§ You called the Dutch stupid
§ You said I have skin like milk, that was stored in the sun
§ You refer to my breasts as "the only reasons I stick around"
§ I don't consider hair-pulling a form of foreplay
§ You shot my dog
§ You've tried numerous times to poison me
§ You're going to prison, again
§ You're sleeping with your best friend's wife
§ I'm your best friend's wife
§ You stretch out my sweaters when you wear them
§ You dropped me from your "Top 8" for Al Franken
§ You're the star of CSI: Miami, a role which you take way too seriously
§ I don't laugh at, "You still here?" anymore
§ I wouldn't call a car-bomb, "A little surprise"
§ You taught the parrot to say, "Get out, Bitch"
§ All those times I thought you were stealing glances at me, turns out you're cross-eyed
§ There's a hit man at my door
§ The last thing you tried to French kiss was the dog
§ The closest we've been to sex in months was the time you threw that bottle at me
§ I say, "I love you, " you say, "No hable Ingles"
§ You're always distant, like hundreds or thousands of miles away
§ You're marrying another guy just to make me jealous
§ I read too much into little signals you send, like time you tried to run me down with the car
§ You no longer communicate with me telepathically
§ My fear of commitment involves doctors and a hearing
§ When I say "Good morning," you say, "Not with you here."
§ You refuse to subscribe to my blog
§ I just answered your personal ad on Craigslist

Likely Ways Roxy Will Meet Her Demise

- Natural causes at age 36
- Gopher attack
- Pushed out of moving car
- Hail of gunfire
- Drano-rita
- Head explodes while trying to comprehend why Jenny McCarthy is famous
- Beaten to death on "Springer"
- Some vicious STD. C'mon, you know you're all thinking it
- Assassinated by C.I.A.
- Boogie Fever
- In bed with a big smile on my face! Woo-hoo!
- Running with scissors
- Freak "Thigh Master" accident
- Self-inflicted eye wounds
- Shooting off big mouth while being robbed at ATM
- Pushed down stairs by gigolo
- At liposuction clinic in Tijuana
- If I were you, I'd put my money on "behind the wheel"
- Murdered by ex. Body never recovered. No one surprised. Especially other exes.
- Attempting to jump 7 school buses on a Harley
- Boredom
- Really bad paper cut
- Chained to a bed
- Lightning strike in church during confession
- Jealous spouse(s)
- Court ordered
- Slipping on own vomit
- Wild weekend with Teddy Kennedy, so suicide
- On the altar during wedding to husband #5
- Listening to Justin Timberlake album
- At Knicks playoff game, at age 107
- Not exactly sure how, but it involves a dare, a former member of "Winger" and a bottle of Tequila
- David Blaine stunt goes horribly, horribly wrong
- Ignoring "Elk Crossing" sign
- Celine Dion/John Tesh concert
- Hitchhiker
- In Monica Lewinsky's place due to mistaken identity
- Alien Moon Cult mass suicide
- Pole-dancing accident
- Stabbed while re-enacting the timeless classic "Delilah" a little too well
- Failure to heed "Danger: Laser in Use" sign
- Drown in goldfish bowl after giving pet mouth-to-mouth (pet OK)
- Passing on free concealed hand gun training
- In some filthy hotel room, with a Jack Daniels bottle in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other, and a 22 year-old stud named Armando going through my purse

You probably shouldn’t reproduce if...

- You think that a Hummer limousine is "like stoopid classy and junk"
- You wear any kind of brand name or slogan across the ass of your pants
- You own a pair of shoes that cost more than your monthly rent/mortgage payment
- You owe more in credit card debt than you've ever made in a year of employment
- You don't see anything wrong with taking your infant/toddler to the 11p.m. showing of a new horror film
- You spend more than 10 minutes a day talking on a cell phone, yet you've never held a job that paid more than minimum wage and provided you a hat as part of your uniform
- The waist of your pants is located so close to your genitals that people can tell you're not a real blond
- You haven't worn a shirt that covered your stomach entirely in over a year
- You wear Ugg-style boots with a tube top and mini skirt. Which is a little like wearing a bikini, a wool scarf and gloves.
- Your entire vocabulary consists of words that you don't pronounce correctly or completely, such as "wha-ev-uh," "ay-ite," "fo' sho," "girlfren," "wha", "axe," (as in "axe you a question") "li-bary," etc.
- The remainder of your vocabulary is the word "like"
- You don't realize that "lite" is not a word
- Your last name is Spears or Federline
- You don't get the "big deal" about bathing everyday
- You're a celebrity
- You think the 4 food groups are: McDonald's, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell
- As an adult (and I use that term loosely) you've settled a dispute by punching someone
- Other than for school work, you haven't written an abbreviation-free sentence in the past year (ie. ur gr8, c u @ 9, i 8 my c@, etc.)
- You don't realize that there are 3 letters missing from the word "thru" and one of them is not a "w"

I Think My Financial Advisor is Giving Me Bad Advice…

- Have you considered pole-dancing to supplement your income?
- Never look into the mouth of a gifted horse.
- We should diversify your 401(k) by investing heavily in lottery tickets.
- Sprint is your best bet for cell phone service.
- Put everything on a Republican landslide.
- You could loan out your kittens for cosmetic testing.
- Buy low, get high.
- Let's load up on CBS stock.
- Pesos, dollars whatever, they're worth about the same.
- Could you pay me in chickens?
- Consider marrying Donald Trump.
- No need for new tax shelters, the Dems aren't really known for raising taxes and grabbing with both hands.
- You can claim each voice in your head as a dependant.
- I'll hide your money under my mattress where no one will ever find it.
- Have you tried bartering for bus fare?
- No, you need to fill out the 1040-Easy form, for obvious reasons.
- Put it all on black.
- Until he remarries, I'm afraid you're still stuck paying palimony to David Caruso.
- I've got a hot tip on some "magic" beans.
- Have you considered investing in land in Arkansas?
- Got any Native American ancestors?
- Will your cats be filing jointly this year?
- Streisand tickets carry a high ROI.
- You can always make more money, have you got a color printer?
- I invested your money with this guy I know, he works out of the back of a truck in Newark.
- Things may be looking up, I've got an interview with Arthur Andersen next week!
- You've gotta cut back on your shipping costs, from now on use regular mail to send Wayne Newton naked pictures of yourself.
- We're looking at an eleventeen percent return in the first 5 years.
- Have you considered lucrative career in panhandling?
- Are you familiar with Amway?
- You need to re-allocate a higher percentage to large-cap funds. Nah, I'm just screwing with ya, let's go to the track!
- You ought to think about selling that video of you and Tommy Lee to YouTube.
- Sure, you can deduct watching NBC Primetime as a charitable donation, and watching CBS Evening News, too.
- Did you ever stay at Michael Jackson's place when you were younger?
- Mind if I crash on your couch for a few weeks?

If You Answer “Yes” To Any Of These Questions… You’re A Lowlife

Ø Have you hit on me at some point?
Ø Can you belch all the words to a song?
Ø Did you have to inflate your last "significant other"?
Ø Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, now that's good eatin'?
Ø Is Tony Danza is a gifted performer?
Ø Having money doesn't mean you have class. You hear me, Donald Trump?
Ø Is Dow Jones the guy that sang 'What's New, Pussycat?'
Ø Does your retirement plan involve lottery tickets?
Ø Have you ever been beaten with chair on 'Springer'?
Ø Do you need someone to help you with the big words when you read the letters to 'Penthouse'?
Ø Have you ever appeared shirtless on 'Cops'?
Ø Do you know what it means when I refer to the "Lowest Common Denominator"?
Ø Is your response to anything that goes wrong to give 'em the finger?
Ø Do you stare transfixed at freakishly large implants?
Ø Do you know at least one guy who's missing all or part of a finger, and called "Lucky"?
Ø Do you prefer young broads and old whiskey, but gladly settle for the opposite if it's cold enough?
Ø Have you ever touched Bill Clinton on purpose?
Ø Are you Bill Clinton?
Ø Did we date at some point?
Ø Are you in front of me in traffic?
Ø Have you ever had sex in the back of a truck? An ice cream truck? Was the little tune playing?
Ø Did the last art or cultural event you attended involve cars gettin' smashed up real good?
Ø Have you ever been elected to office in New Jersey?
Ø Are more than one of your kids named Rusty Jr., and don't share the same father?
Ø Are you now, or have you ever been a white rapper?
Ø Have you been known to beat your kids when they "sass back"?
Ø Does the whitest sheet in your house go over your head?
Ø Have you "accidentally" had your cooch photographed by paparazzi? Twice?
Ø Are you related to Janet Jackson?
Ø Is your "family business" collecting government checks?
Ø Does your work uniform include pasties?
Ø Did the plot of the last book you read involve finding a guy in glasses and a striped shirt?
Ø Are casino slots almost as loose as your wife?
Ø Does your diet consist mostly of Slim Jims?
Ø For legal purposes is your full name is Roxy Moron-Busey?
Ø Has a cop ever referred to you as "that dumb sum'bitch"?

(in somewhat loving tribute to my favorite songwriter, John Eddie, check him out at www.johneddie.com He's a very funny and gifted musician, and not too bad on the eyes either, ladies)

Reasons I’d Have Been a Better Choice than Katie Couric

Wouldn't save money by just wearing Rather's recycled suits.
Have the ability to say the word "caucus" without giggling.
Not opposed to marrying Charlie Sheen as a publicity stunt.
Won't be squeamish interviewing former President Clinton, despite his insistence on being naked below the desk.
I've got pictures of Lesley Stahl and Morley Safer, if you know what I mean.
I'll remind viewers that each time I say "Pelosi" everyone does a shot.
Not too proud to carry on Rather's tradition of wearing stockings and garter belt under newsdesk.
The palpable sexual tension between me and Harry Smith.
I've never been confused with a pixie.
Every Thursday I'd broadcast live from Hooters happy hour.
More hilarious sound effects.
Change name to C.S.I. Evening News.
Something bad happens in the world, anchor takes off a piece of clothing.
Unlike Katie, promise not to get loaded until after broadcast.
I have a voice that can be heard by more than just neighborhood dogs.
More Powerball drawings.
Every report will conclude with viewers deciding outcome by calling 800# to vote.
End each broadcast with, "For more on this story and others, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
Cleavage, cleavage, cleavage!
New sign-off line, "That ought to hold you bastards"
Frequent updates from "NBC Nightly News"
New correspondent, Jon Bon Jovi.
More footage of people accidentally getting hit in the nuts.
Three words: Shirtless Bob Barker.
Announcement that I'm going to be the next Mrs. Larry King.
Willing to be contractually obligated to change and feed Andy Rooney.
Friday night Chick Fights.

He's A Keeper

Recently, I came across an ex-boyfriend of mine on myspace. His profile stated that he was interested in dating, and listed all of these wonderful reasons why you should go out with him. So, in the spirit of truth in advertising here are a few other "winning" traits he forgot to mention:

He'll call you everyday… and beg you to bail his sorry ass out
He'll occasionally surprise you with a new dress… that makes him look fat
Both sides of his family are very close… genetically
He'll never hit you… if you can run away fast enough
He follows his instincts… and marks his things by peeing
He has many aspects to his personality… each with a different name and background
He's very attractive… especially to law enforcement
Never worries how he's seen by others… or how he smells to them, either
You'll never have to listen to him rattle on about his accomplishments…
He believes in doing unto others… so he wants you to get loaded and hit on his friends
He loves kids and animals… so you better not let him out of your site, if you know what I mean
He'll make you laugh… especially when he's naked
He's got a wild side… he lives outdoors and eats from trashcans
He's an enigma… a deliberate compulsive
He'll never notice your flaws… or the poison
He'll inspire you to start a whole, new life… in a different state under an assumed name
He's not afraid to cry… especially if you hit him with a bat
He's always thinking of your needs… like, you need to shut up, you need to give him money…

“How To” Books I’m Working On

How To

- dispose of a body in ways no one would suspect
- lose friends in less than 48 hours
- get it regular despite being a snotty, foul-mouthed bitch
- f*ck off on $40 a day
- stop caring without anyone noticing
- please a man just by shutting up
- make more money than anyone you know and still be a cheap bastard
- frighten your fellow passengers
- rack up a crap-load of debt and still buy everything you want
- act sober
- write a lame "how to" book
- get your wife to shut up in 55, year-long easy steps
- piss off the entire Mormon church
- exact your revenge on Google
- completely lose it once a month over virtually nothing
- fake empathy
- get a job, an education and pay your bills all without government assistance
- lose weight by getting disabled
- slip poison to the person in your office that sells Amway
- confuse a salesperson with one question
- deal with your own miserable existence by making mean-spirited fun of others
- not be reeled in by the flashy, big promises of those anti-smoking ads
- find something bad in everyone

How to be a Happy Commuter

- Growl softly whenever the guy in the seat next to you moves.
- Hold your briefcase locked tightly in your arms for the entire trip, and look around nervously whenever someone passes by.
- Vigorously tap your feet and drum your knees along to the music playing in your earphones.
- Every time you drive on an overpass or come out of a tunnel holler out, "Wee!"
- Pray the Rosary over and over and over...
- Have an amiable, if awkwardly personal, conversation with your lunch.
- As you make your way to your seat randomly hand people a squash, pat them on the head and say, "You'll be needing this." Be sure to collect them when you leave.
- Fart occasionally. Loudly.
- Call a loved one on your cell phone and threaten, "I'll kill myself and take all of these bastards with me!"
- Play video solitaire and every time you win jump up and shout, "Yeah, in your face!"
- Stare menacingly at someone and when they make eye contact with you quickly write something down in your notebook, then look back up at them and nod politely.
- Softly tap awake the guy in the seat next to you every time a plane flies overhead, point to it and smile and wink knowingly.
- Practice your drum solo for "Wipeout" on the back of the seat in front of you.
- Pretend to be asleep and dreaming when mumbling aloud, "No, cops don't know about the other bodies," and "I love you, too Keith Richards!" and "Lysol tastes salty."
- Cough and choke consistently and violently throughout the trip, while reading a medical pamphlet titled "Tuberculosis and You."
- Pantomime a phone in your hand and mouth the words, "Call me," to every rider of the opposite sex you pass on the way to your seat. On the way out do the same, but to every rider of the same sex.
- Give other riders nicknames that only you know like "Sleepy LeBeef," "Gilligan," and "Scratchy McTesticles."
- As you read the paper, occasionally lean over to the person next to you, point and ask, "What's this word?"
- Try to lead fellow passengers in a rollicking round of "Y-M-C-A" including the arm movements.
- Before boarding stick a Post-It note to your forehead with the words, "Remember to Take Pills," written on it.
- Remember that most bus drivers are new, and probably need you to shout out directions.

New Jersey State Slogans

Recently, the state of New Jersey held a contest to pick a new state tourism slogan. They selected as the winner, "NJ: Come see for yourself." Of course, being NJ every task has to be done half-assed, backwards, and in the most expensive way possible. So that slogan (chosen in January) is no longer good enough, and another contest may now be held. Upon hearing this news, I decided to be helpful and came up some possible new slogans:

New Jersey: Hurry before Corzine raises the taxes again!
New Jersey: Now Benzene-free!
New Jersey: Not Just Newark!
New Jersey: Our dumpsters are now mostly corpse-free!
New Jersey: Mobbed up and open for business!
New Jersey: Free needles with beach tag purchase!
New Jersey: It's free to visit, but it'll it cost you to leave!
Don't look now, you're in New Jersey!
New Jersey: Two arteries and no heart!
New Jersey: Well at least the southern half of the state doesn't suck (as much)!
New Jersey: Cheaper than New York (for tourists that is)!
New Jersey: Our Governor's no homo, despite what you heard!
New Jersey: Indoor air now toxin-free!
New Freakin' Jersey!
New Jersey: Come see us glow!
New Jersey: That's New York through the smog!
New Jersey: We'll tell you where to go!
New Jersey: IKEA exit 13A!
Camden, like no place else (except maybe Iraq)!
New Jersey: A couple of famous singers were born here!
New Jersey: Bigger than Delaware!
New Jersey: What? You think you're better than us?
New Jersey: We dare you to stay away! Pussy!
New Jersey: Ah, who needs ya?
New Jersey: Detroits got nothin' on us!
New Jersey: Please don't go. We'll change!
I smell New Jersey!
New Jersey: Chemical plants don't really give you cancer!
New Jersey: Now less disappointing!
New Jersey: Bon Jovi, ladies. Bon freakin' Jovi!
New Jersey: Some of our roads are free to use!
New Jersey: Piney murder-free since the 70's!
New Jersey: Not all of our politicians are filthy, corrupt bastards! And if you find the one that isn't, you win a '97 Cutlass with government plates!
New Jersey: Alabama attitude with a full set of teeth!
New Jersey: Your mother likes it here!
New Jersey: See it before you die!
New Jersey: Not all of our groundwater causes birth defects!
New Jersey: Squeeze our tomatoes!
New Jersey: It depends upon what you mean by "polluted"!
New Jersey: Now our Governor only sodomizes the taxpayers!

My Alternate URL Names

So, believe it or not, it took me a little while to come up with my URL. I'm not very up-to-speed with the latest web trends, because I'm not 14. Anyway, here are some of the other options I considered for my URL:
www.anotherfatchickthatlikesjohneddie
www.ihaddavidcaruso'slovechild
www.freeviagra
www.101guysI'dliketonail
www.shoesareneat
www.fireisthecleanser
www.moveon.org
www.whyubfrontin'?
www.100percentirishbroad
www.igotitgoin'oninthe3rdworld
www.iworshipdarylhall'shair
www.bobbarker'splaything
www.t.bonewolkistheman
www.losefriendsnow,askmehow
www.moreteeththanbrains
www.stateskoolgraduate
www.lindseylohan'solder,fattersister
www.thetruthbehindscientology
www.doilooklikeaslutintheseshoes?
www.thevastrightwingconspiracy
www.i'mnotallowedtodriveanymore
www.sometimesiflirtwiththelonelyguyonthebus
www.ihitmyselfwiththehammer...cornisgood
www.afterichangedmynamefromlewinskythingsreallypickedupforme
www.suckittrebek
www.alligotwasthislousyt-shirt
www.whydoistilltalk2u?
www.i'dpayadollartoseethat
www.ivaluemyprivacy
www.itcouldbeworse,icouldbeyou