How to be a Happy Commuter

- Growl softly whenever the guy in the seat next to you moves.
- Hold your briefcase locked tightly in your arms for the entire trip, and look around nervously whenever someone passes by.
- Vigorously tap your feet and drum your knees along to the music playing in your earphones.
- Every time you drive on an overpass or come out of a tunnel holler out, "Wee!"
- Pray the Rosary over and over and over...
- Have an amiable, if awkwardly personal, conversation with your lunch.
- As you make your way to your seat randomly hand people a squash, pat them on the head and say, "You'll be needing this." Be sure to collect them when you leave.
- Fart occasionally. Loudly.
- Call a loved one on your cell phone and threaten, "I'll kill myself and take all of these bastards with me!"
- Play video solitaire and every time you win jump up and shout, "Yeah, in your face!"
- Stare menacingly at someone and when they make eye contact with you quickly write something down in your notebook, then look back up at them and nod politely.
- Softly tap awake the guy in the seat next to you every time a plane flies overhead, point to it and smile and wink knowingly.
- Practice your drum solo for "Wipeout" on the back of the seat in front of you.
- Pretend to be asleep and dreaming when mumbling aloud, "No, cops don't know about the other bodies," and "I love you, too Keith Richards!" and "Lysol tastes salty."
- Cough and choke consistently and violently throughout the trip, while reading a medical pamphlet titled "Tuberculosis and You."
- Pantomime a phone in your hand and mouth the words, "Call me," to every rider of the opposite sex you pass on the way to your seat. On the way out do the same, but to every rider of the same sex.
- Give other riders nicknames that only you know like "Sleepy LeBeef," "Gilligan," and "Scratchy McTesticles."
- As you read the paper, occasionally lean over to the person next to you, point and ask, "What's this word?"
- Try to lead fellow passengers in a rollicking round of "Y-M-C-A" including the arm movements.
- Before boarding stick a Post-It note to your forehead with the words, "Remember to Take Pills," written on it.
- Remember that most bus drivers are new, and probably need you to shout out directions.