I Think My Financial Advisor is Giving Me Bad Advice…

- Have you considered pole-dancing to supplement your income?
- Never look into the mouth of a gifted horse.
- We should diversify your 401(k) by investing heavily in lottery tickets.
- Sprint is your best bet for cell phone service.
- Put everything on a Republican landslide.
- You could loan out your kittens for cosmetic testing.
- Buy low, get high.
- Let's load up on CBS stock.
- Pesos, dollars whatever, they're worth about the same.
- Could you pay me in chickens?
- Consider marrying Donald Trump.
- No need for new tax shelters, the Dems aren't really known for raising taxes and grabbing with both hands.
- You can claim each voice in your head as a dependant.
- I'll hide your money under my mattress where no one will ever find it.
- Have you tried bartering for bus fare?
- No, you need to fill out the 1040-Easy form, for obvious reasons.
- Put it all on black.
- Until he remarries, I'm afraid you're still stuck paying palimony to David Caruso.
- I've got a hot tip on some "magic" beans.
- Have you considered investing in land in Arkansas?
- Got any Native American ancestors?
- Will your cats be filing jointly this year?
- Streisand tickets carry a high ROI.
- You can always make more money, have you got a color printer?
- I invested your money with this guy I know, he works out of the back of a truck in Newark.
- Things may be looking up, I've got an interview with Arthur Andersen next week!
- You've gotta cut back on your shipping costs, from now on use regular mail to send Wayne Newton naked pictures of yourself.
- We're looking at an eleventeen percent return in the first 5 years.
- Have you considered lucrative career in panhandling?
- Are you familiar with Amway?
- You need to re-allocate a higher percentage to large-cap funds. Nah, I'm just screwing with ya, let's go to the track!
- You ought to think about selling that video of you and Tommy Lee to YouTube.
- Sure, you can deduct watching NBC Primetime as a charitable donation, and watching CBS Evening News, too.
- Did you ever stay at Michael Jackson's place when you were younger?
- Mind if I crash on your couch for a few weeks?