New Year's Resolutions

Eat less toothpaste
Try to greet mailman sober, fully-dressed and not waving gun around
Stop sending money to that charming TV preacher
Use lower caliber for shooting squirrels
Stop sneaking Polonium 210 into salt shakers at Applebee's
Learn to appreciate NASCAR
Run for senate in New York and New Jersey
Come up with more offensive nickname for Jon "Numb Nuts" Corzine
Swing dancing lessons
Upgrade computer to be Y2K compliant
Get real estate investment advice from Harry Reid
Stop telling people I'm the producer of the Broadway musical version of "Baywatch"
Limit extra-marital affairs to guys named Rick
Stop claiming to be the Prime Minister of France at parties
Learn to appreciate the things I steal
Quit referring to Sean Penn as a "genius"
Stop stalking Bob Barker
Lose 150 pounds
Stop calling "Maury" claiming to be Al Gore's Baby Momma
Remember that crystal meth is no substitute for love
Stop free-basing plastic
Change cat box
Stop stripping under name "Molly McButter"
Finally get "I (heart) Al Sharpton" tattoo removed
Limit "Springer" appearances to 2 per month
Stop anonymously reporting co-workers to the N.S.A.
Remove video cameras from neighbors' bedrooms
Stop sending threatening letters to Erik Estrada
Stop taunting the Amish
Remove lead paint from house
Stop ordering make-up from the Katherine Harris collection
Figure out what happened to J. Lo
Stop partying with Paris, Lindsay and Britney
End unhealthy romantic obsession with Hugo Chavez
Stop confusing Star Jones with Queen Latifah
Stop confusing Queen Latifah with Queen Elizabeth
Stop encouraging Michael Jackson
Figure out what the hell "High School Musical" is
Start using new catchphrase, "Wow, that's a lot of mangoes!"
Stop sneaking booze and pills to Miss USA in rehab
Cancel subscription to "Martha Stewart Living"
Stop stealing unattended purses and cell phones on the subway
Watch more car chase movies
Start recognizing Alabama's statehood
Stop filing frivolous lawsuits against McDonalds
Finish what I star