Reasons I’d Have Been a Better Choice than Katie Couric

Wouldn't save money by just wearing Rather's recycled suits.
Have the ability to say the word "caucus" without giggling.
Not opposed to marrying Charlie Sheen as a publicity stunt.
Won't be squeamish interviewing former President Clinton, despite his insistence on being naked below the desk.
I've got pictures of Lesley Stahl and Morley Safer, if you know what I mean.
I'll remind viewers that each time I say "Pelosi" everyone does a shot.
Not too proud to carry on Rather's tradition of wearing stockings and garter belt under newsdesk.
The palpable sexual tension between me and Harry Smith.
I've never been confused with a pixie.
Every Thursday I'd broadcast live from Hooters happy hour.
More hilarious sound effects.
Change name to C.S.I. Evening News.
Something bad happens in the world, anchor takes off a piece of clothing.
Unlike Katie, promise not to get loaded until after broadcast.
I have a voice that can be heard by more than just neighborhood dogs.
More Powerball drawings.
Every report will conclude with viewers deciding outcome by calling 800# to vote.
End each broadcast with, "For more on this story and others, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
Cleavage, cleavage, cleavage!
New sign-off line, "That ought to hold you bastards"
Frequent updates from "NBC Nightly News"
New correspondent, Jon Bon Jovi.
More footage of people accidentally getting hit in the nuts.
Three words: Shirtless Bob Barker.
Announcement that I'm going to be the next Mrs. Larry King.
Willing to be contractually obligated to change and feed Andy Rooney.
Friday night Chick Fights.