Signs That Your Life is Falling Apart

You have desperate, hopeless thoughts about giving up on it all, and just voting for Hillary in '08
The mailman you've been cheating with got pissed and broke it off when he discovered you were also doing the UPS guy
Nowadays you run out of Jack Daniels faster than you run out of half & half, and you buy half & half by the pint
You shaved your head and no one was shocked
You care deeply about how the Anna Nicole and James Brown sagas will turn out
Your new favorite TV show is "The Girls Next Door." Seriously
The only recipes you've prepared recently involve 3 parts vodka, 1 part tonic
Never run out of kindling for the fireplace, since you started using crumpled up drafts of suicide notes
Al Gore starting to look like a hot, hip, young stud
The most intimate question you've been asked by a man lately was, "Would you like to biggie size that?"
The closest thing you've had to oral sex in months was when a bassist friend yelled, "Fuck you!" at you from the other room
Your new email address is worthless.loserchick78@hotmail.com
You actually considered attending a David Cassidy concert
You gave up smoking cigarettes for Lent, but took up smoking crack
Jon "Numb Nuts" Corzine keeps calling to ask you out, and you're considering it
Just wish you could meet a nice guy, settle down, and be kept chained in the basement
Giving lap dances to the homeless just doesn't cheer you up like it used to
Cable goes out more than you do
Lindsay Lohan organized an intervention for you
You're actually listening to your mother
Unable to muster the energy to be your usual outgoing, promiscuous whore self
Just learned that Barry White was dead
Threatening unsuspecting telemarketers less, coming onto them more
Given up on personal hygiene routine. Now spending only 45 minutes a day washing hands
You've been on the cover of the Daily News four times in the past month
You don't even care that you're wearing Via Spiga shoes with a Prada bag, like some kind of hobo
You confused a "Pampered Chef" party with a "Fantasy Lingerie" party, and didn't figure it out until you'd spent $425 on salad tongs

… be sure to look for the next installment, 'The New Man in Roxy's Life" coming soon. You might really like it, but probably not.