Signs You’re Being Stalked By Roxy

ü Abnormally high amount of car accidents have occurred outside your house lately
ü Keep finding empty Old Milwaukee cans strewn about your yard
ü There are saliva marks on your car windows, and you don't own a dog
ü Although sometimes she's blonde and other times brunette, you're certain you've seen that woman in the sunglasses and "Thinking Sucks" t-shirt before
ü You're governor of New Jersey
ü When you're sleeping, you're pretty sure it's not your conscience telling you to, "Buy tighter jeans"
ü Your mailman seems more buxom than usual
ü You don't remember buying the leopard print thong you just found in the drawer
ü You're Bob Barker
ü Your pet parrot keeps repeating the phrase, "Jackrabbit sonofabitch!"
ü You keep getting anonymous postcards from the hotel down the street telling you to, "Open your damn blinds!"
ü UPS always seems to ring the bell every time you're in the shower
ü The photos of your ex-girlfriends had faces when you put them in the album
ü You know you didn't download "Tom Jones' Greatest Hits" to your iPod
ü More than one of your neighbors has asked you, "Who's the loud bitch in the leather bra?"
ü Your porn magazines now have highlighted articles
ü All your liquor tastes watered down, and the Bailey's is clear
ü You spot some Jehovah's Witnesses running like hell away from your house
ü On more than one occasion you've come home to find the cats high
ü Every time you step outside you hear what sounds like a camera. Unfortunately, it's a Polaroid
ü Corner mailbox keeps moving closer and closer to your bedroom window
ü Every applicant for your receptionist position has the same phone number, and it costs $3.99 a minute
ü You've recently noticed several locks of your hair for sale on eBay
ü More than one member of the Allman Brothers Band has showed up at your door asking, "Is Roxy here?"
ü You have 50 phone messages, and they all sound like David Caruso crying
ü You've never heard your shrubs holler, "Fuck! Fire ants!" before