Roxy’s Tax Tips

Ø Take as business deduction crapload of D-cell batteries
Ø Claim that $200 spent on Barbra Streisand tix was political contribution to the Democratic Party
Ø Deduct cash value of time spent watching "CBS Evening News" as a charitable donation
Ø Deduct gifts and entertainment for certain members of NJ State Legislature
Ø Enclose a naked photo of self with completed return
Ø Deduct contribution to "Future Un-Wed Mothers of America Foundation"
Ø List occupation as "Personal Services Facilitator/Longshoreman"
Ø Claim that million dollars came from spending one night with Bill Clinton, and therefore qualifies as a charitable donation
Ø Claim "knockers" as dependents
Ø Sign all forms with "XOXO" and "call me"
Ø Deduct palimony payments to David Caruso
Ø Report extra income from performing under the name "Tawdry Audrey"
Ø Do not literally "cook the books"; turns out that's just a saying
Ø Deduct cash value of making it through another year without killing Jessica Simpson. Believe me, that's fucking charity!
Ø Donate all of your assets to "Phil Spector Defense Fund"
Ø Claim your stalker as a dependent
Ø Deduct cost of "Whitesnake 4 Ever" tattoo removal
Ø Attach bar napkin with "W-2" written on it
Ø Answer every question, "None of your fucking business!"
Ø Deduct cost of replacement panties needed after tossing previous ones onstage at John Eddie concerts
'>Ø Fill out your tax forms with lip-liner
Ø Offer to settle up the tab with hot dominatrix session
Ø List your full name as Roxy Leona Moron-Busey
Ø Claim $752,987 in gambling losses
Ø Ask if you can get your refund in vodka

Biggest Surprises in 1st Democratic Candidate Debate

Joe Biden biting the head off of a live bat
Obama nailed the swimsuit competition
Richardson's numerous hate-filled rants on working mothers
Special musical appearance by Sanjaya
Apparently there's a candidate named Chris Dodd
Kucinich is actually Polish word for "mango"
Richardson's teary, romantic marriage proposal to Gravel
Moderators Bob Barker and Bam Margera
Hillary was the only candidate that didn't snicker whenever someone mentioned, "pulling out the troops"
Finale cage-match
Biden wasn't wearing pants behind the podium
DVD copy of debate can be purchased at NBC.com under the title, "Candidates Gone Wild"
Hillary's retort to, "suck my balls!"
Debate crashed by an intoxicated, sweaty and shirtless Ted Kennedy, shouting, "Take off your top!" Directed at Richardson
The way Chris Dodd answered some questions using adorable, little sock puppet called "Señor Doddy"
Nader getting pepper-sprayed and hog-tied at the entrance
Surprise announcement, "Imus In '08"
Edwards wrestling a live alligator
MSNBC's debut of "Debate Dancers"
Thought provoking question about gayness of Phil Spector's hairdos
Liberal use of stun gun throughout entire night
Kucinich showing up in blackface
7 minute bass solo
New rule that debate winner determined by whichever candidate receives a rose from Nancy Pelosi
Moderator's remark that Richardson should, "Zip it, Spanky!"

Things To Do Now That the Weather is Warmer

- defrost and dispose of the bodies
- check on Grandma, see if she made it through another winter
- put away sleazy winter clothes, replace with sleazy summer clothes
- remove tire chains, and ones on car, too
- put faux furs in faux storage
- plot revenge
- take down Christmas lights
- make transition from whiskey season to rum season
- join wet t-shirt contest circuit
- return "borrowed" snowblower
- "borrow" lawnmower
- drill hole in neighbor's boat
- shave off winter coat
- see if hot Lynyrd Skynyrd tour shirt will last another summer
- cut another inch off of "Daisy Duke" shorts
- go back to summer job as Robert Earl Keen groupie
- roust the Amish
- spend more quality time face down on the lawn
- call Trump Marina, see if ban's been lifted yet
- start taking top off at concerts again
- bathe outdoors
- anxiously await mailman's shorts uniform
- rehab!!!!
- replace "winter itch" cream with "summer itch" cream
- pitch for the Yanks
- 2 words: bottle blonde
- summer fling with a whole new class of dirtbag
- schedule bi-weekly bikini waxes
- wander the streets like an idiot
- stop hanging out in corners of dark, seedy bars
- start hanging out on patios of dark, seedy bars
- dredge ice fishing hut out of river
- stop wearing underwear!

Lowlife Revisited

If you can answer "Yes" to any of these questions... you're a lowlife


Ø Have you hit on me at some point?
Ø Can you belch all the words to a song?
Ø Have you ever aspired to become a 'Pussycat Doll' or to date Flava Flav?
Ø Did you have to inflate your last "significant other"?
Ø Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, now that's good eatin'?
Ø Is Tony Danza is a gifted performer?
Ø Having money doesn't mean you have class. You hear me, Donald Trump?
Ø Is Dow Jones the guy that sang 'What's New, Pussycat?'
Ø Does your retirement plan involve lottery tickets?
Ø Have you ever been beaten with chair on 'Springer'?
Ø Do you need someone to help you with the big words when you read the letters to 'Penthouse'?
Ø Have you ever appeared shirtless on 'Cops'?
Ø Do you know what it means when I refer to the "Lowest Common Denominator"?
Ø Is your response to anything that goes wrong to give 'em the finger?
Ø Do you stare transfixed at freakishly large implants?
Ø Do you know at least one guy who's missing all or part of a finger, and called "Lucky"?
Ø Do you prefer young broads and old whiskey, but gladly settle for the opposite if it's cold enough?
Ø Have you ever yanked it to a Disney film?
Ø Have you ever touched Bill Clinton on purpose?
Ø Are you Bill Clinton?
Ø Did we date at some point?
Ø Have you ever voted drunk?
Ø Are you in front of me in traffic?
Ø Have you ever had sex in the back of a truck? An ice cream truck? Was the little tune playing?
Ø Did the last art or cultural event you attended involve cars gettin' smashed up real good?
Ø Have you ever been elected to office in New Jersey?
Ø Are more than one of your kids named Rusty Jr., and don't share the same father?
Ø Are you now, or have you ever been a white rapper?
Ø Does your ankle bracelet beep when you leave your house?
Ø Have you been known to beat your kids when they "sass back"?
Ø Does the whitest sheet in your house go over your head?
Ø Have you "accidentally" had your cooch photographed by paparazzi? Twice?
Ø Are you related to Janet Jackson?
Ø Is your "family business" collecting government checks?
Ø Does your work uniform include pasties?
Ø Do you play the banjo?
Ø Did the plot of the last book you read involve finding a guy in glasses and a striped shirt?
Ø Are casino slots almost as loose as your wife?
Ø Does your diet consist mostly of Slim Jims?
Ø Have you ever called a phone sex line? To ask where your damn paycheck is?
Ø Has your designated driver just been sentenced to 45 days jail time?
Ø For legal purposes is your full name is Roxy Moron-Busey?
Ø Has a cop ever referred to you as "that dumb sum'bitch"?
Ø Are you worried that your dye job, ripped jeans, visible thong and tube top aren't really hiding the fact that you're 57 years old?

(in somewhat loving tribute to my favorite songwriter, y'all know who I mean)

Roxymoron and The... (Your Name Here)

Last weekend I attended the 2007 Wave Gathering music festival in Asbury Park. It was an insane 3-day marathon of amazing local band performances, hanging out with friends, and partying really, really, really hard! At the Wave I noticed many unique and intriguing band names, which got me thinking of what I'd call my band. So, ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for…

Roxymoron and The…

… Moron Tabernacle Choir
… Estranged Spouses
… Smaller Font
… Day Job Havers
… Other Guys
… Revolution (heck, there not busy)
… Emotional Baggage
… Severe Itch
… Home Wreckers
… Hell Are You Supposed To Be?
… Angry Wives
… Damaged Fender
… Hot Blonde Chick From That Show
… End Of Life As You've Come To Know It
… Missing Members (all female band)
… Correct Use of Grammar
… Deviant Behavior
… Lazy Stalkers
… Unhappy Ending
… Dirty Language
… Unwanted Pop-ups
… Raging Hormones
… Frightened Mailmen
… Angry Left
… Front Streetwalkers
… Blackouts
… Expired Restraining Orders
… Tax Evaders
… Star F*ckers
… Judgmental Misogynists
… Loss Of Equilibrium
… Best You Never Had
… Easily Impressed

Words of Wisdom… from Roxy

ü never taste hand sanitizer, even if it smells like fruit


ü mouth-to-mouth resuscitation with a gas station air hose doesn't work


ü before you call someone an "ignorant whore," stop and think to yourself, "Do I have on a decent pair of running shoes?"


ü Ozzfest attendance is not a license for public nudity


ü before going down on a politician, make sure he's wearing his seatbelt


ü never pass out in an RV, 'cause you never know where you'll wake up


ü if a guy says, "I make it with a different girl every night!" He's leaving out the part about it costing him $7.99 a minute


ü rubbing alcohol is strictly for rubbing

How To Seduce Wayne Newton

How To Seduce Wayne Newton

Two words: "Floor Show"

Tell him how much sexier he is than Paul Anka

Compliment his collection of kitten figurines

Who'd have thought that taking your shirt off at a concert on a dare, could actually work?

All the Cold Duck you can get your hands on

Stop calling him Tom Jones

Give 'em the ol' "Ziegfried & Roy" if you know what I mean

Role-play as Debbie Reynolds

Romantic weekend in Branson

I don't know what "Donkey Shane" is, but hell I'll try anything once

Be prepared to spend a crapload on feathered headdresses and sequined g-strings

Burn Celine Dion in effigy

Don't punch him in the balls when he tells you that you're much younger than most of the prostitutes he meets

Have the loosest slots in town

Signs That You’re In Love With Roxy

Signs That You're In Love With Roxy

v you were just served with a restraining order
v thinking seriously about breaking up with the other chicks you're banging
v you've stepped up the surveillance
v your rampant alcoholism
v you're naked and screaming on my front lawn
v that nervous, sinking feeling that your life is just about to change in a traumatic and permanent way
v you've recently undergone some form of lobotomy
v you're watching me walk out on you for the last time
v keep hearing those 3 little words, "Where's my gun?"
v you love watching me sleep, curled up with my Blackberry in one hand and an empty bottle of Jack in the other
v you just shined up the ol' Camaro, 'cus we's going bowling!
v you're willing to shoot a politician to show how much you care
v you're David Caruso
v the tequila hasn't worn off yet
v you're emotionally fragile and a poor judge of character
v you're getting paroled in a few months and need a place to crash
v you really likey in America stay!
v you've stopped paying strangers for sex, and yet it seems like you now pay so much more
v you spend up to 22 hours a day in the fetal position rocking back and forth mumbling, "Why God? Why?"
v you've carved my initials in your forearm
v Gary Busey has left you several threatening messages
v you actually find my blogs funny
v that dirty feeling, that just won't wash away
v I couldn't care less about you

Signs That Roxy is In Love With You (‘Cause Turnabout is Fair Play)

Signs That Roxy is In Love With You
('Cause Turnabout is Fair Play)

- no longer speaks to you, acknowledges you, or lives in the same state
- she's considering not sleeping with the other members of your band
- you've never done it in so many public places before
- her rampant alcoholism
- hesitates slightly before kicking you in the mouth with her boot
- you've seen her naked and she didn't require a credit card first
- uses endearments like, "Get the hell outta here, before I shoot you, weirdo!"
- gives you the angry, beady-eyed "come hither" stare
- took her personal ads down off of Craigslist, and the sex tapes off eBay
- finally gave you a "Roxymoron Witness Protection Program" T-shirt
- says those sweet words that mean so much, "Who do I make the check out to?"
- rambles on a lot less about hidden messages in "Ace of Base" albums that tell her to set fires
- took you to meet her "real" family in the Ozarks
- she's practically topless every time you see her
- hasn't called your mother a whore, recently
- gave you a key to her neighbor's place
- hasn't once tried to convert you to Scientology
- attends all of your court appearances, and not just to testify for the prosecution
- she keeps calling you Rick

Why I Love My Gun

Ø The Robert Blake/Phil Spector-approved solution for avoiding messy break-ups


Ø You expect me to drive without a gun?


Ø A chick packing heat makes for fantastic opportunities for sexual innuendo


Ø Sure fire way to shut Rosie O'Donnell the hell up


Ø I always have right-of-way at a 4-way stop


Ø How cool it makes me


Ø Took care of that pesky Jehovah's Witness problem


Ø What? Am I supposed to use a bow and arrow to shoot rats at the dump?


Ø More effective than sweet talk, when dealing with government officials


Ø It's always hard, ready to fire one off, and doesn't expect me to call it "Daddy". Of course, I do anyway!


Ø Adds that element of danger to any dinner party


Ø Settles every political debate almost instantly


Ø Makes me feel like a real man


Ø More effective than Prozac for treating depression and all its known causes


Ø Impresses the heck out of school kids


Ø Yes, that is a gun in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you


Ø How else am I gonna celebrate the New Year?


Ø Effectively gets Bill Maher offa my TV screen


Ø Gun + PMS = RUN!!!!


Ø I've got your peaceful conflict resolution, right here


Ø Well-played game of Roulette solves idiot over-population problem

Bravo’s Fall Line-Up

Bravo's Fall Line-Up


Staged Celebrity Wardrobe Malfunctions

Real Dumb Broads with Old Money and New Tits

So much "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" that you'll bleed from the eyes!

"Inside the Actor's Studio" featuring guests Nicole Richie, Joe Piscopo and Mike Ditka

How Our Shame Shared the Cab with Our Artistic Integrity

Continuing Coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's Death

Being Bob Barker

Re-airs of Crap You Didn't Watch on NBC the First Time

Hasselhoff's World

Tattoos and Meth

Kathy Griffin Does Some Annoying Shit

Top Vaguely-Gay Profession

Bars and Tone

Roxy’s Dating Advice

Roxy's Dating Advice

v Never call his wife to see if he's free
v Don't just immediately get naked and start going at it after dinner, at least wait for the check to come
v Make sure you're not in the film he invited you over to watch
v Always refer to him as Mr. Senator
v It is not cool to bitch-slap his ex. Unless of course, he's not looking
v If he asks you to loan him $30k for a few weeks, he's probably scamming you. Unless you really, really, really love and trust him
v Remember when on a date, dinner and dancing doesn't involve a pole and a $9.99 buffet
v "Fuck me" pumps is just an expression, if you want it to be
v It's not a good sign if he has to just drop off some pizzas on the way to the theater
v Ladies, you can't judge a book by its cover. It doesn't matter what kind of car a man drives, make sure you see where he lives, too
v A true lady can resist the temptation to stab your fork in his eye if he mentions freakin' Mariah Carey one more time!
v No matter how long he waits to call you after a date, it is never okay to harm one of his pets
v If at any point during the evening he calls you, "Mommy," run, don't walk, to the nearest exit
v Guys, it is never cool to date her sister. I don't care how much of a screaming hell-bitch she was to you
v By third date it is okay to get his ATM card and pin number
v Test his commitment to the relationship by sleeping with his father
v If he says he wants to set you up in an apartment, make sure his intentions are good, and that he means the security deposit and utilities, too
v A true gentleman lets you ring the little bell on the ice cream truck
v Ladies, it is never proper to begin a date with, "You're not a cop, are you?"
v If she's trying to convince you to join Scientology, it's not really a date

Sparky’s New Girlfriend

I hear from Sparky the Monkey Boy that he has a new girlfriend, named Bailey. Other than being attracted to men who wear helmets, here are few other interesting facts about her…

Amadeus was her favorite painter
Thinks Dr. Phil is married to Dr. Ruth
Overcame her addiction to eating paste
Convinced that oral sex is the same thing as dirty talk
Wishes shoelace tying was easier
Gets headaches from sniffing too much spray paint
Has black bars tattooed over strategic places on her body
Loves to stick her head out of the window when riding in cars
Her parents were 1st cousins
Has read cover to cover every book in the "Left Behind" series
Named after the liqueur Bailey's Irish Cream, because she too goes down easy
Is missing a couple of chromosomes, but the good news is they found them in her brother
Can go almost 20 minutes without blinking
Because she's illiterate, doesn't enjoy alphabet soup
Has a face only a mother could love, a mother Rottweiler
Thinks, "Get bent!" is a form of foreplay
Believes that the "Ernest" movies are based on true stories
Has 911 on her speed dial as *6785

Cosmo Articles That Didn’t Make The Cut

v How To Please Your Man Using A Ball-Peen Hammer Creatively

v Fellate Your Way To The Top

v What the Speed of Your Man's Sperm Says About You

v Are Your Implants Big Enough?

v He's Committed To You Now, But Is It Okay That He Still Sleeps With His Mom?

v Are You As Smart As You Fucking Think You Are?

v Pull And Pray: We Examine Which Forms Of Birth Control Are Most Effective

v He Enjoys Broadway Musicals, Does That Mean He Appreciates Sodomy?

v Should Teens Have Plastic Surgery? Take Our "How Ugly Is Your Kid?" Quiz

v If You Don't Swallow Does That Mean It's Not Love? [7 Signs You Should Move On]

v The 4 C's of Buying A Diamond: Color, Cut, Clarity and Cock. The Bigger the Latter, the Smaller the Former

Signs That You're a Sex Addict

ü Your mailman is terrified, and walks with a distinct limp

ü There are a very few places where you're still allowed to purchase produce

ü On more than one occasion you've returned from your lunch break with your dress on backwards

ü You send naked pictures of yourself… with your Christmas cards

ü Your number is written on the Men's Room walls of every bar in town. You know because you wrote it there

ü You can't wait for your wife to hit the campaign trail again

ü You've been the subject of no less than 42 "Letters To Penthouse"

ü You will respond to any of the following pet names: "Baby," "Hot Stuff," or "Hey You"

ü Every guy you know falls into one of two categories: "Would Do 'Em," or "Did 'Em"

ü UPS drivers fight over who gets to make deliveries to your house

ü Jehovah's Witnesses fight over who gets to visit your house

ü You can undress and re-dress in the time it takes most people to vote

ü Your showerhead has a name

ü You've received numerous "Cease and Desist" letters from Larry King because of obscene phone calls

ü Your vibrator has a car adapter

Likely Ways Roxy Will Meet Her Demise (revisited)

- Natural causes at age 36
- Gopher attack
- Pushed out of moving car
- Hail of gunfire
- Drano-rita
- Head explodes while trying to comprehend why Jenny McCarthy is famous
- Beaten to death on "Springer"
- Some vicious STD. C'mon, you know you're all thinking it
- Assassinated by C.I.A.
- Boogie Fever
- In bed with a big smile on my face! Woo-hoo!
- Running with scissors
- Freak "Thigh Master" accident
- Self-inflicted eye wounds
- Shooting off big mouth while being robbed at ATM
- Pushed down stairs by gigolo
- At liposuction clinic in Tijuana
- If I were you, I'd put my money on "behind the wheel"
- Murdered by ex. Body never recovered. No one surprised. Especially other exes.
- Attempting to jump 7 school buses on a Harley
- Boredom
- Really bad paper cut
- Chained to a bed
- Lightning strike in church during confession
- Jealous spouse(s)
- Court ordered
- Slipping on own vomit
- Wild weekend with Teddy Kennedy, so suicide
- On the altar during wedding to husband 5
- Listening to Justin Timberlake album
- At Knicks playoff game, at age 107
- Not exactly sure how, but it involves a dare, a former member of "Winger" and a bottle of Tequila
- David Blaine stunt goes horribly, horribly wrong
- Ignoring "Elk Crossing" sign
- Celine Dion/John Tesh concert
- Hitchhiker
- In Monica Lewinsky's place due to mistaken identity
- Alien Moon Cult mass suicide
- Pole-dancing accident
- Stabbed while re-enacting the timeless classic "Delilah" a little too well
- Failure to heed "Danger: Laser in Use" sign
- Drown in goldfish bowl after giving pet mouth-to-mouth (pet OK)
- Passing on free concealed hand gun training
- In some filthy hotel room, with a Jack Daniels bottle in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other, and a 22 year-old stud named Armando going through my purse

Other Things That “Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”

(another homage to my favorite songwriter, as I identified with the inspiration/sentiment)

ü giving Willard Scott that lifetime contract

ü remaking "The Bionic Woman" TV show

ü Letting Britney Spears make her own career decisions

ü Saving yourself for marriage

ü Gun control

ü Unprotected sex with any member of the Osmond Family

ü Listening to Michael Moore

ü A bottle of whiskey, a member of a "Tull" cover band and as much Crisco as you could get your hands on

ü Joining myspace.com

ü Bartending on a cruise with John Eddie, his band, entourage and fans

ü Taking those pills you found at the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's purse

ü The entire government of the state of New Jersey

ü Congestion pricing for NYC drivers …oh no, wait …that's "Seemed Like The Most Fucking Retarded Idea I've Ever Heard"

ü Natural childbirth

ü Unnatural childbirth

ü Explaining to Jessica Simpson or any reality TV star that Jimmy Buffet and Warren Buffet aren't brothers

ü Telling me how you really feel about me

ü Renting "Jerry Springer's Erotica"

ü A free t-shirt for showing my boobies to the camera!

ü Yoko Ono's karaoke night

ü Pointing out to your fiancé's parents the phone booth where you lost your virginity

ü Trying to blog witty on 4 hours sleep

ü Setting fires just because your iPod told you to

O.J. Excuses That Might Have Been More Believable

· It was a wardrobe malfunction


· I did not have sex with that memorabilia


· I've never even been to Las Vegas


· I was confused... I'd been out late partying with Lindsay and Paris


· No habla Englais


· I was just doing a favor for a guy I met in the airport bathroom


· You mean this isn't "Punk'd?"


· That damned Ambien!


· I was supposed to meet Frank Drebbin


· I was just getting my bloody gloves


· Someone said something about Wayne Newton tickets?


· It had been nearly a month since my last appearance on "Dateline"


· I hit the Heisman Trophy Progressive Slots, and they said I could pick it up in room 1276


· I wanted to disprove that, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"

Why Things Didn’t Work Out Between Jon Bon Jovi and Me

o Kept calling out his own name during sex; which I didn't mind so much, except I was trying to get some sleep

o Only performs "encores" onstage, if you know what I mean

o Used all of the conditioner

o We had the same "time of the month"

o Neither of us could reach the stuff in the high cabinets

o Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear kept leaving stains on the couch, and they smelled like arthritis cream

o Wouldn't stop listening to those damn Josh Groban CD's

o Just couldn't fucking be faithful… no matter how hard I tried

o Every time I was in the mood for sex it was a real bitch getting him out of the house

o I accidentally heard one of his CD's

o Could no longer deal with his obsessively comparing himself to John Eddie

o How much luxury and money can one gal take? Oh my God! What have I done???

o "Doin' it" in the alley behind the Dunkin Donuts is not my idea of a romantic evening… anymore

o Opening the Prudential Center is the first time he's ever performed 10 nights in a row!

Professions That Will Impress Former Classmates at High School Reunion

"So, what do you do for a living?"

- I'm a pirate
- Underwear model
- I'm required by the state of NJ to inform you that I'm a registered sex offender
- Marine Gynecologist
- I'm the 78th Bass Player for Foghat
- I used to pilot the Exxon Valdez… used to
- Ambassador to France, no really look it up
- Leader of "Vegans for Jesus"
- Pope
- Male Gigolo
- Monkey waxer
- Pimp
- Headmistress of the 2nd most successful S&M parlor in Dubuque
- Local icon
- Teenage heartthrob
- Green Party candidate for president
- I lead a Doomsday cult
- Pop & lock dancer
- Scab writer
- Assistant Evil Genius
- Snoopy character at local theme park
- Guy who puts the cream inside of Ding-Dongs
- Hair artist
- Monkey trainer
- Guy who decides 'em freshness dates fer beers
- Governor of New Jersey, and I work at a car wash on weekends
- I start fires …with my mind...
- Waste management
- Male exotic dancer
- Cigarette company guinea pig
- I hold the secret to half of the recipe for Coca-Cola
- Condom stretcher
- Officer in the French Foreign Legion
- I'm in grass
- Tyippest (20n words a mibnute)
- I design adult diapers
- Transient
- Federally indicted sports player

Thanksgiving Memories

The time the spirit of the season overtook us, and we freed all of those Asian immigrants we kept chained, making wallets in the rec. room… and let them use the bathroom

Grandpa's first successful parole hearing

The family gathering to watch a classic movie about the occasion… Saw II

Stuffing next year's Halloween candy with razor blades

Getting the Christmas decorations out of next door neighbors' basements

My first time on the pole

Stuffing the wrong bird

The Great Mormon cranberry ban of '02

Watching the fire light dance on the embers, as my enemies burn

Arriving early to find a good spot at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and pick-pocketing like a Dickens character on speed

Blowing Snoopy… you know, up… for the big parade

The annual train ride to visit our divorce lawyers

When a loved one reminds us of what's really important, like who our Daddy is

Vacation time away from the Death Squad

Grandma finally getting off her fat, drunk ass to cook something

The joys of preparing for a child's first rehab stint

Catching Dad in Mom's new party dress, without the matching bag and shoes

The whole family venturing together out into the woods, to cut down a rival crime family

Writer’s Strike Desperation

The ongoing Writer's Guild of America strike is forcing TV network execs to take desperate measures... check out some of the upcoming replacement reality TV series...

- America's Drunkest Cops

- Blue Hair Nation

- Who Wants To Marry A Mongoloid?

- Are You Smarter Than An Olsen Twin?

- Who Really Gives A Shit About Kathy Griffin?

- The Real World: Kandihar

- Smell Like A Rockstar

- Where In The World Is Justin Guarini?

- Yi Ha The Chinese Cowboy

- Survivor: Chernobyl

- Drinking With The Stars

- The Price Is $5.00

- Amateur Porn

What’s Wrong With You?

- You were born without a head

- You're still upright and taking in oxygen

- People stopped dancing "The Hustle" in groups at least 20 years ago

- Wearing pants on your head is only funny once, not everyday

- You were the inspiration for "Gomer Pyle, USMC"

- You think that Sandanista is Santa Claus' sister

- The way your ear twitches uncontrollably makes me want to shake you 'til you're dead

- You only spell "come" the dirty way

- Even worse than being in a "boy band" is being manager of one

- You talk on the cell phone too much... while using the bathroom... at the bus station!

- You ended up 20 miles from home before you realized that "No U-Turn" didn't mean you specifically

Good Concert/Bad Concert…John Eddie Concert

The woman in the front row is topless = Good Concert
She's your mom = Bad Concert
She's also pantsless = John Eddie Concert


The good-looking lead singer slips you his room key = Good Concert
He asks you not to wake his mom when you come in = Bad Concert
He just wants you to clean the room = John Eddie Concert


Rolling Stones covers = Good Concert
Whitney Houston covers = Bad Concert
Both covered, and guitar used to represent phallus = John Eddie Concert


Blistering guitar solo = Good Concert
Blistering piccolo solo = Bad Concert
Just blistering = John Eddie Concert


Roxy is in the front row screaming = Good Concert
She's screaming, "Untie me now, John Tesh!" = Bad Concert
She's screaming, "Has anybody seen my panties?" (every guy in room raises hand) = John Eddie Concert


The band plays all of their hits = Good Concert
It takes them three minutes = Bad Concert
Every one of them features the word "fuck" at least twice = John Eddie Concert


Lead singer is drunk again = Good Concert
Lead singer is born again = Bad Concert
Lead singer is an hour and a half late = John Eddie Concert


Your friend is making out with one of the guys in the band = Good Concert
He has an open sore on his lip = Bad Concert
Your friend only "looks like" a chick = John Eddie Concert


It's the hottest thing to do in town tonight = Good Concert
That's because a fire broke out = Bad Concert
The second hottest thing to do is cow-tipping = John Eddie Concert


Two chicks make out = Good Concert
They're the Indigo Girls = Bad Concert
They do it onstage = John Eddie Concert



…if you never see John Eddie live in concert, you will have lead a sad, deprived life, and I pity you