Plans for Retirement

So, recently I met with my financial advisor to discuss my retirement plan. He asked me what I'd like to do after retiring, and here are some ideas that I had...
- Spend more time outside of David Caruso's house.
- Not a goddamned thing.
- Re-read old porno mags stacked up outside trailer.
- Take out trash, finally.
- Travel to next county and learn about their culture.
- Rail against the Canadian government.
- Get in on free-government-cheese gravy train.
- Scratch all day.
- Spend a butt-load on polyester pantsuits.
- Finish a book.
- Get that mole looked at.
- Feign senility to get away with insulting people to their faces.
- Campaign to get Lawrence Welk and Hee-Haw back on the air.
- See what's shaking at Wal-Mart.
- Never wear bra again.
- Get my G.E.D.
- Call everyone Billy.
- Spend less time with everyone.
- Bitch about government. More.
- Try to figure out appeal of morning shows.
- Have facelifts until I have a beard.
- Spend more time with someone else's grandkids.
- Sit on porch, threaten kids with rifle if they don't, "Get offa my lawn!"
- Drive pretty much the same way I do now.
- Cheat death for another year.
- Recruit gigolo.

Signs That Relationship May Be On the Rocks

Foreplay now consists of, "Do I have to? We just did it last month."
Wants to wife-swap with Kid Rock.
He sends cards reminding me, it takes two people to maintain a cold, loveless marriage of convenience.
Every time I experience a passionate night of lovemaking, there's a presidential election.
Pretty sure I saw a picture of him in the tabloids holding hands with Hillary Clinton.
Just not feeling like my cold, distant self lately.
I no longer find joke about, "Rebound Wife" to be funny.
Instead of money in "Hooker" Jar, it is full of IOU's.
Towels are monogrammed "His" and "Anyone else"
Finding self only aroused when thinking of Keith Richards.
Oftentimes, my husband daydreams that I am a 22-year-old model who was married to Donald Trump for about 5 minutes.
No longer finds my unhealthy, 24/7 obsession with David Caruso cute.
Starts laughing his ass off whenever I'm half naked.
Entire day spent on couch watching "Oprah" and crying. It's really starting to get on my nerves. Grabs a notepad every time commercial for "900" girl chat line comes on TV, and always gets me when he calls.
I've recently become one of the five best computer solitaire players in the world.
My only joy? Arrival of Sharper Image neck massager catalog.
Says he's going drinking with people from work, yet comes home sober, and he works at Rick's Cabaret.
Seems to have an awful lot of Hilton Reward Points.
When we go to the beach he always says "Hey, those rocks remind me of us."

New Year's Resolutions

Eat less toothpaste
Try to greet mailman sober, fully-dressed and not waving gun around
Stop sending money to that charming TV preacher
Use lower caliber for shooting squirrels
Stop sneaking Polonium 210 into salt shakers at Applebee's
Learn to appreciate NASCAR
Run for senate in New York and New Jersey
Come up with more offensive nickname for Jon "Numb Nuts" Corzine
Swing dancing lessons
Upgrade computer to be Y2K compliant
Get real estate investment advice from Harry Reid
Stop telling people I'm the producer of the Broadway musical version of "Baywatch"
Limit extra-marital affairs to guys named Rick
Stop claiming to be the Prime Minister of France at parties
Learn to appreciate the things I steal
Quit referring to Sean Penn as a "genius"
Stop stalking Bob Barker
Lose 150 pounds
Stop calling "Maury" claiming to be Al Gore's Baby Momma
Remember that crystal meth is no substitute for love
Stop free-basing plastic
Change cat box
Stop stripping under name "Molly McButter"
Finally get "I (heart) Al Sharpton" tattoo removed
Limit "Springer" appearances to 2 per month
Stop anonymously reporting co-workers to the N.S.A.
Remove video cameras from neighbors' bedrooms
Stop sending threatening letters to Erik Estrada
Stop taunting the Amish
Remove lead paint from house
Stop ordering make-up from the Katherine Harris collection
Figure out what happened to J. Lo
Stop partying with Paris, Lindsay and Britney
End unhealthy romantic obsession with Hugo Chavez
Stop confusing Star Jones with Queen Latifah
Stop confusing Queen Latifah with Queen Elizabeth
Stop encouraging Michael Jackson
Figure out what the hell "High School Musical" is
Start using new catchphrase, "Wow, that's a lot of mangoes!"
Stop sneaking booze and pills to Miss USA in rehab
Cancel subscription to "Martha Stewart Living"
Stop stealing unattended purses and cell phones on the subway
Watch more car chase movies
Start recognizing Alabama's statehood
Stop filing frivolous lawsuits against McDonalds
Finish what I star

Reasons Why I Can’t Love You Anymore…

§ You don't remember my name
§ You never return my phone calls, emails or car
§ You ran up $253,117 on my credit card
§ In public you refer to me as "that girl I'd never do"
§ I don't find the way you flirt with other women to be coy and playful anymore
§ I don't find the way you bring them home to be "hard to get" anymore
§ In the last love song you wrote for me you used the word "nag" 12 times and the phrase "die bitch" 7 times
§ You called the Dutch stupid
§ You said I have skin like milk, that was stored in the sun
§ You refer to my breasts as "the only reasons I stick around"
§ I don't consider hair-pulling a form of foreplay
§ You shot my dog
§ You've tried numerous times to poison me
§ You're going to prison, again
§ You're sleeping with your best friend's wife
§ I'm your best friend's wife
§ You stretch out my sweaters when you wear them
§ You dropped me from your "Top 8" for Al Franken
§ You're the star of CSI: Miami, a role which you take way too seriously
§ I don't laugh at, "You still here?" anymore
§ I wouldn't call a car-bomb, "A little surprise"
§ You taught the parrot to say, "Get out, Bitch"
§ All those times I thought you were stealing glances at me, turns out you're cross-eyed
§ There's a hit man at my door
§ The last thing you tried to French kiss was the dog
§ The closest we've been to sex in months was the time you threw that bottle at me
§ I say, "I love you, " you say, "No hable Ingles"
§ You're always distant, like hundreds or thousands of miles away
§ You're marrying another guy just to make me jealous
§ I read too much into little signals you send, like time you tried to run me down with the car
§ You no longer communicate with me telepathically
§ My fear of commitment involves doctors and a hearing
§ When I say "Good morning," you say, "Not with you here."
§ You refuse to subscribe to my blog
§ I just answered your personal ad on Craigslist

Likely Ways Roxy Will Meet Her Demise

- Natural causes at age 36
- Gopher attack
- Pushed out of moving car
- Hail of gunfire
- Drano-rita
- Head explodes while trying to comprehend why Jenny McCarthy is famous
- Beaten to death on "Springer"
- Some vicious STD. C'mon, you know you're all thinking it
- Assassinated by C.I.A.
- Boogie Fever
- In bed with a big smile on my face! Woo-hoo!
- Running with scissors
- Freak "Thigh Master" accident
- Self-inflicted eye wounds
- Shooting off big mouth while being robbed at ATM
- Pushed down stairs by gigolo
- At liposuction clinic in Tijuana
- If I were you, I'd put my money on "behind the wheel"
- Murdered by ex. Body never recovered. No one surprised. Especially other exes.
- Attempting to jump 7 school buses on a Harley
- Boredom
- Really bad paper cut
- Chained to a bed
- Lightning strike in church during confession
- Jealous spouse(s)
- Court ordered
- Slipping on own vomit
- Wild weekend with Teddy Kennedy, so suicide
- On the altar during wedding to husband #5
- Listening to Justin Timberlake album
- At Knicks playoff game, at age 107
- Not exactly sure how, but it involves a dare, a former member of "Winger" and a bottle of Tequila
- David Blaine stunt goes horribly, horribly wrong
- Ignoring "Elk Crossing" sign
- Celine Dion/John Tesh concert
- Hitchhiker
- In Monica Lewinsky's place due to mistaken identity
- Alien Moon Cult mass suicide
- Pole-dancing accident
- Stabbed while re-enacting the timeless classic "Delilah" a little too well
- Failure to heed "Danger: Laser in Use" sign
- Drown in goldfish bowl after giving pet mouth-to-mouth (pet OK)
- Passing on free concealed hand gun training
- In some filthy hotel room, with a Jack Daniels bottle in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other, and a 22 year-old stud named Armando going through my purse

You probably shouldn’t reproduce if...

- You think that a Hummer limousine is "like stoopid classy and junk"
- You wear any kind of brand name or slogan across the ass of your pants
- You own a pair of shoes that cost more than your monthly rent/mortgage payment
- You owe more in credit card debt than you've ever made in a year of employment
- You don't see anything wrong with taking your infant/toddler to the 11p.m. showing of a new horror film
- You spend more than 10 minutes a day talking on a cell phone, yet you've never held a job that paid more than minimum wage and provided you a hat as part of your uniform
- The waist of your pants is located so close to your genitals that people can tell you're not a real blond
- You haven't worn a shirt that covered your stomach entirely in over a year
- You wear Ugg-style boots with a tube top and mini skirt. Which is a little like wearing a bikini, a wool scarf and gloves.
- Your entire vocabulary consists of words that you don't pronounce correctly or completely, such as "wha-ev-uh," "ay-ite," "fo' sho," "girlfren," "wha", "axe," (as in "axe you a question") "li-bary," etc.
- The remainder of your vocabulary is the word "like"
- You don't realize that "lite" is not a word
- Your last name is Spears or Federline
- You don't get the "big deal" about bathing everyday
- You're a celebrity
- You think the 4 food groups are: McDonald's, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell
- As an adult (and I use that term loosely) you've settled a dispute by punching someone
- Other than for school work, you haven't written an abbreviation-free sentence in the past year (ie. ur gr8, c u @ 9, i 8 my c@, etc.)
- You don't realize that there are 3 letters missing from the word "thru" and one of them is not a "w"

I Think My Financial Advisor is Giving Me Bad Advice…

- Have you considered pole-dancing to supplement your income?
- Never look into the mouth of a gifted horse.
- We should diversify your 401(k) by investing heavily in lottery tickets.
- Sprint is your best bet for cell phone service.
- Put everything on a Republican landslide.
- You could loan out your kittens for cosmetic testing.
- Buy low, get high.
- Let's load up on CBS stock.
- Pesos, dollars whatever, they're worth about the same.
- Could you pay me in chickens?
- Consider marrying Donald Trump.
- No need for new tax shelters, the Dems aren't really known for raising taxes and grabbing with both hands.
- You can claim each voice in your head as a dependant.
- I'll hide your money under my mattress where no one will ever find it.
- Have you tried bartering for bus fare?
- No, you need to fill out the 1040-Easy form, for obvious reasons.
- Put it all on black.
- Until he remarries, I'm afraid you're still stuck paying palimony to David Caruso.
- I've got a hot tip on some "magic" beans.
- Have you considered investing in land in Arkansas?
- Got any Native American ancestors?
- Will your cats be filing jointly this year?
- Streisand tickets carry a high ROI.
- You can always make more money, have you got a color printer?
- I invested your money with this guy I know, he works out of the back of a truck in Newark.
- Things may be looking up, I've got an interview with Arthur Andersen next week!
- You've gotta cut back on your shipping costs, from now on use regular mail to send Wayne Newton naked pictures of yourself.
- We're looking at an eleventeen percent return in the first 5 years.
- Have you considered lucrative career in panhandling?
- Are you familiar with Amway?
- You need to re-allocate a higher percentage to large-cap funds. Nah, I'm just screwing with ya, let's go to the track!
- You ought to think about selling that video of you and Tommy Lee to YouTube.
- Sure, you can deduct watching NBC Primetime as a charitable donation, and watching CBS Evening News, too.
- Did you ever stay at Michael Jackson's place when you were younger?
- Mind if I crash on your couch for a few weeks?

If You Answer “Yes” To Any Of These Questions… You’re A Lowlife

Ø Have you hit on me at some point?
Ø Can you belch all the words to a song?
Ø Did you have to inflate your last "significant other"?
Ø Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, now that's good eatin'?
Ø Is Tony Danza is a gifted performer?
Ø Having money doesn't mean you have class. You hear me, Donald Trump?
Ø Is Dow Jones the guy that sang 'What's New, Pussycat?'
Ø Does your retirement plan involve lottery tickets?
Ø Have you ever been beaten with chair on 'Springer'?
Ø Do you need someone to help you with the big words when you read the letters to 'Penthouse'?
Ø Have you ever appeared shirtless on 'Cops'?
Ø Do you know what it means when I refer to the "Lowest Common Denominator"?
Ø Is your response to anything that goes wrong to give 'em the finger?
Ø Do you stare transfixed at freakishly large implants?
Ø Do you know at least one guy who's missing all or part of a finger, and called "Lucky"?
Ø Do you prefer young broads and old whiskey, but gladly settle for the opposite if it's cold enough?
Ø Have you ever touched Bill Clinton on purpose?
Ø Are you Bill Clinton?
Ø Did we date at some point?
Ø Are you in front of me in traffic?
Ø Have you ever had sex in the back of a truck? An ice cream truck? Was the little tune playing?
Ø Did the last art or cultural event you attended involve cars gettin' smashed up real good?
Ø Have you ever been elected to office in New Jersey?
Ø Are more than one of your kids named Rusty Jr., and don't share the same father?
Ø Are you now, or have you ever been a white rapper?
Ø Have you been known to beat your kids when they "sass back"?
Ø Does the whitest sheet in your house go over your head?
Ø Have you "accidentally" had your cooch photographed by paparazzi? Twice?
Ø Are you related to Janet Jackson?
Ø Is your "family business" collecting government checks?
Ø Does your work uniform include pasties?
Ø Did the plot of the last book you read involve finding a guy in glasses and a striped shirt?
Ø Are casino slots almost as loose as your wife?
Ø Does your diet consist mostly of Slim Jims?
Ø For legal purposes is your full name is Roxy Moron-Busey?
Ø Has a cop ever referred to you as "that dumb sum'bitch"?

(in somewhat loving tribute to my favorite songwriter, John Eddie, check him out at www.johneddie.com He's a very funny and gifted musician, and not too bad on the eyes either, ladies)

Reasons I’d Have Been a Better Choice than Katie Couric

Wouldn't save money by just wearing Rather's recycled suits.
Have the ability to say the word "caucus" without giggling.
Not opposed to marrying Charlie Sheen as a publicity stunt.
Won't be squeamish interviewing former President Clinton, despite his insistence on being naked below the desk.
I've got pictures of Lesley Stahl and Morley Safer, if you know what I mean.
I'll remind viewers that each time I say "Pelosi" everyone does a shot.
Not too proud to carry on Rather's tradition of wearing stockings and garter belt under newsdesk.
The palpable sexual tension between me and Harry Smith.
I've never been confused with a pixie.
Every Thursday I'd broadcast live from Hooters happy hour.
More hilarious sound effects.
Change name to C.S.I. Evening News.
Something bad happens in the world, anchor takes off a piece of clothing.
Unlike Katie, promise not to get loaded until after broadcast.
I have a voice that can be heard by more than just neighborhood dogs.
More Powerball drawings.
Every report will conclude with viewers deciding outcome by calling 800# to vote.
End each broadcast with, "For more on this story and others, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
Cleavage, cleavage, cleavage!
New sign-off line, "That ought to hold you bastards"
Frequent updates from "NBC Nightly News"
New correspondent, Jon Bon Jovi.
More footage of people accidentally getting hit in the nuts.
Three words: Shirtless Bob Barker.
Announcement that I'm going to be the next Mrs. Larry King.
Willing to be contractually obligated to change and feed Andy Rooney.
Friday night Chick Fights.

He's A Keeper

Recently, I came across an ex-boyfriend of mine on myspace. His profile stated that he was interested in dating, and listed all of these wonderful reasons why you should go out with him. So, in the spirit of truth in advertising here are a few other "winning" traits he forgot to mention:

He'll call you everyday… and beg you to bail his sorry ass out
He'll occasionally surprise you with a new dress… that makes him look fat
Both sides of his family are very close… genetically
He'll never hit you… if you can run away fast enough
He follows his instincts… and marks his things by peeing
He has many aspects to his personality… each with a different name and background
He's very attractive… especially to law enforcement
Never worries how he's seen by others… or how he smells to them, either
You'll never have to listen to him rattle on about his accomplishments…
He believes in doing unto others… so he wants you to get loaded and hit on his friends
He loves kids and animals… so you better not let him out of your site, if you know what I mean
He'll make you laugh… especially when he's naked
He's got a wild side… he lives outdoors and eats from trashcans
He's an enigma… a deliberate compulsive
He'll never notice your flaws… or the poison
He'll inspire you to start a whole, new life… in a different state under an assumed name
He's not afraid to cry… especially if you hit him with a bat
He's always thinking of your needs… like, you need to shut up, you need to give him money…

“How To” Books I’m Working On

How To

- dispose of a body in ways no one would suspect
- lose friends in less than 48 hours
- get it regular despite being a snotty, foul-mouthed bitch
- f*ck off on $40 a day
- stop caring without anyone noticing
- please a man just by shutting up
- make more money than anyone you know and still be a cheap bastard
- frighten your fellow passengers
- rack up a crap-load of debt and still buy everything you want
- act sober
- write a lame "how to" book
- get your wife to shut up in 55, year-long easy steps
- piss off the entire Mormon church
- exact your revenge on Google
- completely lose it once a month over virtually nothing
- fake empathy
- get a job, an education and pay your bills all without government assistance
- lose weight by getting disabled
- slip poison to the person in your office that sells Amway
- confuse a salesperson with one question
- deal with your own miserable existence by making mean-spirited fun of others
- not be reeled in by the flashy, big promises of those anti-smoking ads
- find something bad in everyone

How to be a Happy Commuter

- Growl softly whenever the guy in the seat next to you moves.
- Hold your briefcase locked tightly in your arms for the entire trip, and look around nervously whenever someone passes by.
- Vigorously tap your feet and drum your knees along to the music playing in your earphones.
- Every time you drive on an overpass or come out of a tunnel holler out, "Wee!"
- Pray the Rosary over and over and over...
- Have an amiable, if awkwardly personal, conversation with your lunch.
- As you make your way to your seat randomly hand people a squash, pat them on the head and say, "You'll be needing this." Be sure to collect them when you leave.
- Fart occasionally. Loudly.
- Call a loved one on your cell phone and threaten, "I'll kill myself and take all of these bastards with me!"
- Play video solitaire and every time you win jump up and shout, "Yeah, in your face!"
- Stare menacingly at someone and when they make eye contact with you quickly write something down in your notebook, then look back up at them and nod politely.
- Softly tap awake the guy in the seat next to you every time a plane flies overhead, point to it and smile and wink knowingly.
- Practice your drum solo for "Wipeout" on the back of the seat in front of you.
- Pretend to be asleep and dreaming when mumbling aloud, "No, cops don't know about the other bodies," and "I love you, too Keith Richards!" and "Lysol tastes salty."
- Cough and choke consistently and violently throughout the trip, while reading a medical pamphlet titled "Tuberculosis and You."
- Pantomime a phone in your hand and mouth the words, "Call me," to every rider of the opposite sex you pass on the way to your seat. On the way out do the same, but to every rider of the same sex.
- Give other riders nicknames that only you know like "Sleepy LeBeef," "Gilligan," and "Scratchy McTesticles."
- As you read the paper, occasionally lean over to the person next to you, point and ask, "What's this word?"
- Try to lead fellow passengers in a rollicking round of "Y-M-C-A" including the arm movements.
- Before boarding stick a Post-It note to your forehead with the words, "Remember to Take Pills," written on it.
- Remember that most bus drivers are new, and probably need you to shout out directions.

New Jersey State Slogans

Recently, the state of New Jersey held a contest to pick a new state tourism slogan. They selected as the winner, "NJ: Come see for yourself." Of course, being NJ every task has to be done half-assed, backwards, and in the most expensive way possible. So that slogan (chosen in January) is no longer good enough, and another contest may now be held. Upon hearing this news, I decided to be helpful and came up some possible new slogans:

New Jersey: Hurry before Corzine raises the taxes again!
New Jersey: Now Benzene-free!
New Jersey: Not Just Newark!
New Jersey: Our dumpsters are now mostly corpse-free!
New Jersey: Mobbed up and open for business!
New Jersey: Free needles with beach tag purchase!
New Jersey: It's free to visit, but it'll it cost you to leave!
Don't look now, you're in New Jersey!
New Jersey: Two arteries and no heart!
New Jersey: Well at least the southern half of the state doesn't suck (as much)!
New Jersey: Cheaper than New York (for tourists that is)!
New Jersey: Our Governor's no homo, despite what you heard!
New Jersey: Indoor air now toxin-free!
New Freakin' Jersey!
New Jersey: Come see us glow!
New Jersey: That's New York through the smog!
New Jersey: We'll tell you where to go!
New Jersey: IKEA exit 13A!
Camden, like no place else (except maybe Iraq)!
New Jersey: A couple of famous singers were born here!
New Jersey: Bigger than Delaware!
New Jersey: What? You think you're better than us?
New Jersey: We dare you to stay away! Pussy!
New Jersey: Ah, who needs ya?
New Jersey: Detroits got nothin' on us!
New Jersey: Please don't go. We'll change!
I smell New Jersey!
New Jersey: Chemical plants don't really give you cancer!
New Jersey: Now less disappointing!
New Jersey: Bon Jovi, ladies. Bon freakin' Jovi!
New Jersey: Some of our roads are free to use!
New Jersey: Piney murder-free since the 70's!
New Jersey: Not all of our politicians are filthy, corrupt bastards! And if you find the one that isn't, you win a '97 Cutlass with government plates!
New Jersey: Alabama attitude with a full set of teeth!
New Jersey: Your mother likes it here!
New Jersey: See it before you die!
New Jersey: Not all of our groundwater causes birth defects!
New Jersey: Squeeze our tomatoes!
New Jersey: It depends upon what you mean by "polluted"!
New Jersey: Now our Governor only sodomizes the taxpayers!

My Alternate URL Names

So, believe it or not, it took me a little while to come up with my URL. I'm not very up-to-speed with the latest web trends, because I'm not 14. Anyway, here are some of the other options I considered for my URL:
www.anotherfatchickthatlikesjohneddie
www.ihaddavidcaruso'slovechild
www.freeviagra
www.101guysI'dliketonail
www.shoesareneat
www.fireisthecleanser
www.moveon.org
www.whyubfrontin'?
www.100percentirishbroad
www.igotitgoin'oninthe3rdworld
www.iworshipdarylhall'shair
www.bobbarker'splaything
www.t.bonewolkistheman
www.losefriendsnow,askmehow
www.moreteeththanbrains
www.stateskoolgraduate
www.lindseylohan'solder,fattersister
www.thetruthbehindscientology
www.doilooklikeaslutintheseshoes?
www.thevastrightwingconspiracy
www.i'mnotallowedtodriveanymore
www.sometimesiflirtwiththelonelyguyonthebus
www.ihitmyselfwiththehammer...cornisgood
www.afterichangedmynamefromlewinskythingsreallypickedupforme
www.suckittrebek
www.alligotwasthislousyt-shirt
www.whydoistilltalk2u?
www.i'dpayadollartoseethat
www.ivaluemyprivacy
www.itcouldbeworse,icouldbeyou