Signs That Your Life is Falling Apart

You have desperate, hopeless thoughts about giving up on it all, and just voting for Hillary in '08
The mailman you've been cheating with got pissed and broke it off when he discovered you were also doing the UPS guy
Nowadays you run out of Jack Daniels faster than you run out of half & half, and you buy half & half by the pint
You shaved your head and no one was shocked
You care deeply about how the Anna Nicole and James Brown sagas will turn out
Your new favorite TV show is "The Girls Next Door." Seriously
The only recipes you've prepared recently involve 3 parts vodka, 1 part tonic
Never run out of kindling for the fireplace, since you started using crumpled up drafts of suicide notes
Al Gore starting to look like a hot, hip, young stud
The most intimate question you've been asked by a man lately was, "Would you like to biggie size that?"
The closest thing you've had to oral sex in months was when a bassist friend yelled, "Fuck you!" at you from the other room
Your new email address is worthless.loserchick78@hotmail.com
You actually considered attending a David Cassidy concert
You gave up smoking cigarettes for Lent, but took up smoking crack
Jon "Numb Nuts" Corzine keeps calling to ask you out, and you're considering it
Just wish you could meet a nice guy, settle down, and be kept chained in the basement
Giving lap dances to the homeless just doesn't cheer you up like it used to
Cable goes out more than you do
Lindsay Lohan organized an intervention for you
You're actually listening to your mother
Unable to muster the energy to be your usual outgoing, promiscuous whore self
Just learned that Barry White was dead
Threatening unsuspecting telemarketers less, coming onto them more
Given up on personal hygiene routine. Now spending only 45 minutes a day washing hands
You've been on the cover of the Daily News four times in the past month
You don't even care that you're wearing Via Spiga shoes with a Prada bag, like some kind of hobo
You confused a "Pampered Chef" party with a "Fantasy Lingerie" party, and didn't figure it out until you'd spent $425 on salad tongs

… be sure to look for the next installment, 'The New Man in Roxy's Life" coming soon. You might really like it, but probably not.

Secrets About Gary That Will Come Out in Divorce Court…

ü Some people have skeletons in their closet, Gary has actual human remains
ü Raves maniacally that he was an actor and starred in something called "The Buddy Holly Story"
ü Reality program "Living with Busey" is a cakewalk compared to really living with Busey
ü Names his Bolo ties
ü Has every album Diana Ross has ever recorded
ü Forgets to wear helmet around the house
ü I was only 15 when I married him, he traded my parents a pig
ü Wraps Christmas presents in Temporary Restraining Orders
ü Had a brief, torrid love affair with Anne Heche
ü Only gets turned on by being told how much more attractive he is than Nick Nolte
ü Frequently scratches his "area" with a claw hammer
ü Feels that "all ages" John Eddie show contains appropriate subject matter for children
ü Arranges his sock drawer using principles of Feng Shui
ü Has $3k a week Flintstones vitamin habit
ü He brought a date to our marriage therapist appointment
ü Almost lobotomized self once trying to clear his sinuses with a Phillips head
ü Cries after sex, especially when he catches you having it with someone else
ü Not only were his parents cousins, they were unmarried cousins
ü He's sterile from years of pine cleanser consumption
ü Believes he is Willie Nelson's half-brother
ü Masturbates like a chimp on Cialis
ü Goes through like seven Epilady shavers a year, you don't want to know how
ü Lost his virginity to Sandy Duncan
ü Mugshot is posted in the employee lounge of every "Hooters" in North America
ü Monkey-ass crazy is, as monkey-ass crazy does

Reasons Why Roxy’s Husband Is Leaving Her

- didn't like that I hired a hot, young pool boy; especially since we don't have a pool
- Roxy turned 30, time to trade in for a younger model
- once again, Pamela Anderson is available
- sobered up
- I refused to increase his allowance
- broken-bottle fights just not as spontaneous anymore
- turned himself over to authorities
- can't afford marriage penalty taxes anymore
- became suspicious when FedEx guy started dropping off packages five times a day
- sick of incessant phone call hang ups from Keith Richards
- pills wore off
- realized he'd accidentally married the wrong sister
- received Val-Pak coupon for area divorce lawyer
- discovered Roxy's "scary, little secret" in the crawlspace
- not enough Viagra in the world for this bitch
- I don't find the pet name "Cletus" to be cute anymore
- I recently discovered that he wasn't an abusive, insecure, alcoholic, so he had to go
- decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming Broadway chorus dancer
- I never really understood his appreciation for the music of "The Go-Gos"
- no longer finds my cold, spiteful, disinterest to be endearing
- finally saw me drive
- he wanted to rent an action film, I thought a comedy, so we decided to call the whole thing off
- he's tired of trying to come up with new ways to disguise the poison
- finally figured out how I got all those Hilton Honors points
- his midlife crisis ended

A few kind words for Anna

I'll admit it, the year was off to a great start. Lots of new and exciting stuff was happening to ol' Rox. While lately there have been the usual ups and downs, today's news knocked the wind out of me... Anna Nicole Smith has long been a regular target of mine. I can truly appreciate anyone brave enough to be a parody of themselves, and Anna Nicole made it an art form.

A poor, dumb girl from Mexia that learned early on how to find self-worth in the attentions of the opposite sex. She battled her demons by putting on a big smile, something tight and low cut, and telling the world that she was willing to be a walking, talking sexual fantasy. A Frankenstein constructed of naive stupidity, unleashed libido, indignant fury and silicone. If you didn't respect her, she didn't care. If you desired her, you fed the fire.

We live in a world where fashion says women should be built like teenaged boys and ladies should dress and act like men to earn their place in the boardroom. Forgive me, but I'll choose to be seen as the sexed-up, shameless flirt, that could just maybe rock your little world, every time. I do so because sometimes in life the easiest way to hide a hardened heart, a patched-up spirit, and a grateful soul is under a little black dress adorned with spiked heels. Love is fleeting, life is short, and you've gotta grab all the good memories you can get. Anna Nicole knew this.

So next time I put on a pair of tight jeans, a low cut blouse, enough make-up to make Mary Kay herself blush, and drink beyond the point of good judgment, I'll be thinking, "Anna Nicole, this one's for you, baby!"