Most dolls are 12" tall; his is only 10" to appear more to scale
At least it doesn't talk
Unlike pretty-boy Ken, Bon Jovi doll is anatomically correct
It's the little outfits that really cost you
"Bad Medicine" CD sold separately
More like Bon Jovi "not getting any" Action figure
Bon Jovi groupie dolls made with less plastic than actual Bon Jovi groupies
Richie Sambora dolls serve dual purpose as handy doorstop
Doll doesn't speak to or acknowledge you, just like real Bon Jovi
Free Tico Torres dolls included with purchase
Bon Jovi doll plays more chords than actual Bon Jovi
Doll hair not waterproof
Free VHS copy of "U-571" with every purchase
When used appropriately, just as satisfying as real Bon Jovi in bed
Richie Sambora doll's head can also be used as a pizza cutter
Dolls actually gayer than real Bon Jovi
Doll also incapable of choosing a script that isn't shit
Life-like IQ
You can claim doll as a dependent in New Jersey
Doll also known to make surprise appearances at "Jukes" shows
Doll's house still costs more than yours
Can kick G.I. Joe's ass ('cus he's a cowboy…on a steel horse he rides…)
Tiny Denise Richards doll blows tiny Richie Sambora doll
Like real Bon Jovi, doll will probably also sell out
Friday, November 9, 2007
Things Overheard At the Gyno's Office
q You put what where?
q That's where I left my keys!
q Does it always smoke like that?
q Just put 'em on the glass, lady
q That's the strangest place I've ever seen a Yankees logo
q Nurse, could you please take the speculum out of the freezer?
q Madonna's here, better cancel all my other appointments
q Just look at that shine
q No, Mr. Jackson I'm fairly certain you're not pregnant
q Just because they're called stirrups, doesn't mean you have to say "Giddyup" Mrs. Clinton
q Now, that's the biggest one of those I've ever seen!
q I think we've found the cause of that itch. Have you by chance been dating Tommy Lee?
q Get the big mop
q Hello-o-o-o
q I always thought "Great Dane in the morning" was just an expression
q Was that your kidney?
q Take off that mask! Mr. Sheen, is that you?
q Dear God, sir! You want the proctologist's office next door!
q I'd say you've had about 27 children
q Is it normal to have three different people check you for lumps? In the waiting room?
q What the hell is that?
q Ms. Spears you're supposed to lie on the table facing the other way
q I don't care if you were the president, you're still not allowed in here!
q That must have been one helluva painful Bon Jovi tattoo
q Do I really have to take a number?
q For the last time, we are NOT hiring Mr. Aaronson!
q That's where I left my keys!
q Does it always smoke like that?
q Just put 'em on the glass, lady
q That's the strangest place I've ever seen a Yankees logo
q Nurse, could you please take the speculum out of the freezer?
q Madonna's here, better cancel all my other appointments
q Just look at that shine
q No, Mr. Jackson I'm fairly certain you're not pregnant
q Just because they're called stirrups, doesn't mean you have to say "Giddyup" Mrs. Clinton
q Now, that's the biggest one of those I've ever seen!
q I think we've found the cause of that itch. Have you by chance been dating Tommy Lee?
q Get the big mop
q Hello-o-o-o
q I always thought "Great Dane in the morning" was just an expression
q Was that your kidney?
q Take off that mask! Mr. Sheen, is that you?
q Dear God, sir! You want the proctologist's office next door!
q I'd say you've had about 27 children
q Is it normal to have three different people check you for lumps? In the waiting room?
q What the hell is that?
q Ms. Spears you're supposed to lie on the table facing the other way
q I don't care if you were the president, you're still not allowed in here!
q That must have been one helluva painful Bon Jovi tattoo
q Do I really have to take a number?
q For the last time, we are NOT hiring Mr. Aaronson!
Least Popular Euphemisms for Masturbating
v Posting a blog
v Seeing Bon Jovi in concert
v Passing a non-binding resolution
v Using the EZ Pass
v Googling yourself
v Polishing the lawn gnome
v Breaking in the intern
v Earning a free t-shirt
v Taking the local uptown
v Attending an opening
v Itemizing deductions
v Voting for Sanjaya
v Missing your exit off the Turnpike
v Closing down the border
v Putting up condos in Asbury
v Recharging the iPod
v Making a scene in the village
v Dealing in antiquities
v Parking near the tunnel
v Viewing YouTube
v Rebooting the hard drive
v Browsing at The Gap
v Laying off some prosecutors
v Grabbin' yourself a cocktail, y'all
(This is the stuff I come up with while commuting. Aren't you glad you don't carpool with me?)
v Seeing Bon Jovi in concert
v Passing a non-binding resolution
v Using the EZ Pass
v Googling yourself
v Polishing the lawn gnome
v Breaking in the intern
v Earning a free t-shirt
v Taking the local uptown
v Attending an opening
v Itemizing deductions
v Voting for Sanjaya
v Missing your exit off the Turnpike
v Closing down the border
v Putting up condos in Asbury
v Recharging the iPod
v Making a scene in the village
v Dealing in antiquities
v Parking near the tunnel
v Viewing YouTube
v Rebooting the hard drive
v Browsing at The Gap
v Laying off some prosecutors
v Grabbin' yourself a cocktail, y'all
(This is the stuff I come up with while commuting. Aren't you glad you don't carpool with me?)
Signs You’re Being Stalked By Roxy
ü Abnormally high amount of car accidents have occurred outside your house lately
ü Keep finding empty Old Milwaukee cans strewn about your yard
ü There are saliva marks on your car windows, and you don't own a dog
ü Although sometimes she's blonde and other times brunette, you're certain you've seen that woman in the sunglasses and "Thinking Sucks" t-shirt before
ü You're governor of New Jersey
ü When you're sleeping, you're pretty sure it's not your conscience telling you to, "Buy tighter jeans"
ü Your mailman seems more buxom than usual
ü You don't remember buying the leopard print thong you just found in the drawer
ü You're Bob Barker
ü Your pet parrot keeps repeating the phrase, "Jackrabbit sonofabitch!"
ü You keep getting anonymous postcards from the hotel down the street telling you to, "Open your damn blinds!"
ü UPS always seems to ring the bell every time you're in the shower
ü The photos of your ex-girlfriends had faces when you put them in the album
ü You know you didn't download "Tom Jones' Greatest Hits" to your iPod
ü More than one of your neighbors has asked you, "Who's the loud bitch in the leather bra?"
ü Your porn magazines now have highlighted articles
ü All your liquor tastes watered down, and the Bailey's is clear
ü You spot some Jehovah's Witnesses running like hell away from your house
ü On more than one occasion you've come home to find the cats high
ü Every time you step outside you hear what sounds like a camera. Unfortunately, it's a Polaroid
ü Corner mailbox keeps moving closer and closer to your bedroom window
ü Every applicant for your receptionist position has the same phone number, and it costs $3.99 a minute
ü You've recently noticed several locks of your hair for sale on eBay
ü More than one member of the Allman Brothers Band has showed up at your door asking, "Is Roxy here?"
ü You have 50 phone messages, and they all sound like David Caruso crying
ü You've never heard your shrubs holler, "Fuck! Fire ants!" before
ü Keep finding empty Old Milwaukee cans strewn about your yard
ü There are saliva marks on your car windows, and you don't own a dog
ü Although sometimes she's blonde and other times brunette, you're certain you've seen that woman in the sunglasses and "Thinking Sucks" t-shirt before
ü You're governor of New Jersey
ü When you're sleeping, you're pretty sure it's not your conscience telling you to, "Buy tighter jeans"
ü Your mailman seems more buxom than usual
ü You don't remember buying the leopard print thong you just found in the drawer
ü You're Bob Barker
ü Your pet parrot keeps repeating the phrase, "Jackrabbit sonofabitch!"
ü You keep getting anonymous postcards from the hotel down the street telling you to, "Open your damn blinds!"
ü UPS always seems to ring the bell every time you're in the shower
ü The photos of your ex-girlfriends had faces when you put them in the album
ü You know you didn't download "Tom Jones' Greatest Hits" to your iPod
ü More than one of your neighbors has asked you, "Who's the loud bitch in the leather bra?"
ü Your porn magazines now have highlighted articles
ü All your liquor tastes watered down, and the Bailey's is clear
ü You spot some Jehovah's Witnesses running like hell away from your house
ü On more than one occasion you've come home to find the cats high
ü Every time you step outside you hear what sounds like a camera. Unfortunately, it's a Polaroid
ü Corner mailbox keeps moving closer and closer to your bedroom window
ü Every applicant for your receptionist position has the same phone number, and it costs $3.99 a minute
ü You've recently noticed several locks of your hair for sale on eBay
ü More than one member of the Allman Brothers Band has showed up at your door asking, "Is Roxy here?"
ü You have 50 phone messages, and they all sound like David Caruso crying
ü You've never heard your shrubs holler, "Fuck! Fire ants!" before
21 Things You Didn’t Know About Roxy
1. She was one of the original Osmond Family Singers.
2. Ed McMahon may be her biological father.
3. Spends a little too much time playing with fingernail glue, if you know what I mean.
4. Speaks English only phonetically.
5. Has a list of her enemies, but can't remember which stall she wrote it in.
6. Was once a spokesmodel for Casual Corner. Seriously.
7. Has a PhD in Geography, but can't remember all the state capitals.
8. Once consumed her own weight in Popov.
9. Is an expert markswoman.
10. First coined the phrase "Canadian Mounted Police"
11. Has been the recipient of exactly 5 "cease and desist" orders from Gloria Steinem.
12. Once spent a weekend chained to a radiator at Stone Phillips' place.
13. Was the inspiration for the movie "Legally Blonde 2"
14. Has had her right to vote revoked in 17 states, and her driver's license revoked in 26.
15. Sleeps with a Snoopy nightlight.
16. Has all of Michael Bolton's albums. Autographed.
17. Is a registered Communist and a member of the Screen Actors Guild
18. Once shot a man for snoring too loud.
19. Is wanted in more than one Mexican state.
20. Has been edited out of more "Girls Gone Wild" videos than she's appeared in.
21. Once ran for governor in California.
2. Ed McMahon may be her biological father.
3. Spends a little too much time playing with fingernail glue, if you know what I mean.
4. Speaks English only phonetically.
5. Has a list of her enemies, but can't remember which stall she wrote it in.
6. Was once a spokesmodel for Casual Corner. Seriously.
7. Has a PhD in Geography, but can't remember all the state capitals.
8. Once consumed her own weight in Popov.
9. Is an expert markswoman.
10. First coined the phrase "Canadian Mounted Police"
11. Has been the recipient of exactly 5 "cease and desist" orders from Gloria Steinem.
12. Once spent a weekend chained to a radiator at Stone Phillips' place.
13. Was the inspiration for the movie "Legally Blonde 2"
14. Has had her right to vote revoked in 17 states, and her driver's license revoked in 26.
15. Sleeps with a Snoopy nightlight.
16. Has all of Michael Bolton's albums. Autographed.
17. Is a registered Communist and a member of the Screen Actors Guild
18. Once shot a man for snoring too loud.
19. Is wanted in more than one Mexican state.
20. Has been edited out of more "Girls Gone Wild" videos than she's appeared in.
21. Once ran for governor in California.
Pick-up Lines That Everytime Work On An Irish Gal (Like Me)
Wanna see the snake that St. Patrick couldn't chase out of Ireland?
What does the size of my shillelagh say about me?
Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien.
Somewhere on my body I've hidden a lucky shamrock. If you find it, you get to keep the shamrock.
Wanna drink whiskey until you see double and feel single?
You look magically delicious!
Why don't you and your twin sister come over and we'll "do Dublin"?
Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like to have sex with me?
Can I borrow a quarter? I need to call my mother and tell her I've found the girl I'm going to annoy for the next 5-10 minutes.
I'd like to take you out for a 7-course gourmet Irish meal. That's a potato and a six-pack.
Wanna kiss my Blarney Stone?
What does the size of my shillelagh say about me?
Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien.
Somewhere on my body I've hidden a lucky shamrock. If you find it, you get to keep the shamrock.
Wanna drink whiskey until you see double and feel single?
You look magically delicious!
Why don't you and your twin sister come over and we'll "do Dublin"?
Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like to have sex with me?
Can I borrow a quarter? I need to call my mother and tell her I've found the girl I'm going to annoy for the next 5-10 minutes.
I'd like to take you out for a 7-course gourmet Irish meal. That's a potato and a six-pack.
Wanna kiss my Blarney Stone?
Your Significant Other Might Be A Loon…
- Gets pumped up for lovemaking by listening to Clay Aiken
- Recently shaved her head, then attacked paparazzi with an umbrella
- Wrote you a beautiful love poem, in bleach on your front lawn
- During sex he called you by the wrong name. Only the name he called you was Barbra Streisand
- His pick-up line was, "Ever do it with a co-dependent, manic-depressive with "mommy" issues?
- Changed her myspace quote to "Erin Go Bragh-less"
- Refers to his "manly parts" as Tony Orlando and Dawn
- Wrote a book called, "If I Did It"
- She has Jets season tickets
- Refers to himself as "The King of Pop"
- Named his new hammer after you
- Wrote the song, "Dick in a Box" based on real-life experience
- Oftentimes you'll find her in her office topless and licking the window
- Calls everyday to tell you he loves you. Despite your having changed your number 7 times, moved to 4 different states, and taken out numerous restraining orders
- Names all his condiments after characters from "The Brady Bunch"
- Keeps referring to herself as "The Artist Formerly Known As Roxy"
- Refers to his Camaro as a "Dumb Chick Magnet"
- Informs you that she's been having an affair… with the toaster… and is carrying it's lovechild
- Your private investigator took photos of him checking into a sleazy motel with a blow up doll that resembled Rosie O'Donnell
- Claimed a garden hose as a dependent on her last tax return
- He's holding your dog for ransom
- Mentions casually several times throughout dinner conversation that he'd like to make love to a parking meter
- He's married to Hillary Clinton
- Recently shaved her head, then attacked paparazzi with an umbrella
- Wrote you a beautiful love poem, in bleach on your front lawn
- During sex he called you by the wrong name. Only the name he called you was Barbra Streisand
- His pick-up line was, "Ever do it with a co-dependent, manic-depressive with "mommy" issues?
- Changed her myspace quote to "Erin Go Bragh-less"
- Refers to his "manly parts" as Tony Orlando and Dawn
- Wrote a book called, "If I Did It"
- She has Jets season tickets
- Refers to himself as "The King of Pop"
- Named his new hammer after you
- Wrote the song, "Dick in a Box" based on real-life experience
- Oftentimes you'll find her in her office topless and licking the window
- Calls everyday to tell you he loves you. Despite your having changed your number 7 times, moved to 4 different states, and taken out numerous restraining orders
- Names all his condiments after characters from "The Brady Bunch"
- Keeps referring to herself as "The Artist Formerly Known As Roxy"
- Refers to his Camaro as a "Dumb Chick Magnet"
- Informs you that she's been having an affair… with the toaster… and is carrying it's lovechild
- Your private investigator took photos of him checking into a sleazy motel with a blow up doll that resembled Rosie O'Donnell
- Claimed a garden hose as a dependent on her last tax return
- He's holding your dog for ransom
- Mentions casually several times throughout dinner conversation that he'd like to make love to a parking meter
- He's married to Hillary Clinton
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