Americana Rising!

Random Wisdom "All Up In Yo Face" Edition

• You, with the girlfriend young enough to be your kid. This ain't little league, not everyone deserves a trophy! Grow up.
• Make sure when you get your tubes tied, that the doctor makes a double-knot.
• I'm not sure if he's a dirtbag or a douchebag, but he's definitely of the bag family.
• Dwarves and shit. I don't know why, just dwarves and shit.
• You know what I'd like to see? An actual Streisand farewell tour.
• If all of your lovers cheat on you, and lie to you. Maybe you should consider that they're not necessarily the problem.
• I see no shame in sucker punching someone in the back of the head. In fact, I encourage it.
• I never said you were poor, white trash. I know you're not poor.
• I didn't beat the woman at Starbucks to death with her small, purse dog. So, where's my medal?
• I know you worry that people think you're a shallow whore, and that nobody likes you. But that's just not true. Lots of drunk guys like you.
• I try to be in love at least once a day.
• Ask me if I've heard the good word one more time, and I'll hurl this Jack Daniels bottle at you.
• I don't feel sorry for you because you're lonely. I feel sorry for you, because all signs point to you staying that way.
• "Rock Lobster" is perhaps, the greatest song ever written. Suck on that Manilow!
• I never fail to be entertained by just how special you think you are.
• I am woman, hear me bitch!
• You're not going to live forever. And when you do die, chances are no one is going to erect a statue in your honor. There, I said it. Now, will you please put your pants back on?
• Fucknut is a far too undervalued term.

Ways To Make The World A Better Place

• Help the environment by using only rechargeable batteries in your vibrator.
• Reduce dependence on foreign olive oil.
• Use old asbestos to clean up black mold in your shower.
• Help the homeless; let your boyfriend move in.
• Reduce harmful waste products from textile manufacture, by wearing less clothing. You hear me, Brad Pitt???
• Figure out what the hell that smell is on the Jersey Turnpike
• Save electricity by not posting every damn cute thing your kid or cat does on Youtube.
• Reduce our dependence on foreign oil, by granting statehood to Saudi Arabia. Change name to "New Oklahoma"
• Recycle 80's pop stars, send on tour.
• Limit Jersey girls to one can of AquaNet per day.
• Help alleviate overpopulation by not breeding, you stupid bastard!
• Use old newspapers and oily rags to insulate your gas water heater.
• Reduce global warming by keeping your freezer open.
• Invest in tomorrow; send your children to work now!
• Save water, shower with your neighbors.

Reasons Why Roxy Should Be Committed

• She can hear eggs
• She fears doorknobs
• She only speaks in French to her cats
• She's sexually attracted to landmines
• She considers Della Reese a close, personal friend
• She buys wax paper in bulk
• She is convinced she was developed by Microsoft as a weapon
• She kisses a minimum of 17 people a day
• She wears three pairs of socks at all times, but not on her feet
• She is convinced that every guy who wears an earring is really a pirate in disguise
• She is aroused by water, but only 12 oz. No more, no less
• She had a three-way with Wayne Newton and Barry Manilow. Twice
• She lives in the shed
• She voted for Corzine
• She names pennies
• She once married a shirt
• She is proud to call John Eddie, "Dad"
• She refers to herself as Mrs. Dow Jones, for legal purposes
• She tells people her middle name is Bananarama
• She named all her houseplants Jeff
• She sells ad space on her toenails, at very reasonable rates
• She loves spyware, mmmm….spyware
• She hacked LinkedIn and connected 65,000 people to Kevin Federline

Things To Never Say To Roxy After Sex

ü Was that you?
ü By the way, I went to the doctor yesterday...
ü You may want to wash that
ü That'll be $500
ü I stay in America now?
ü Stop! The light's green!
ü Well, I've gotta go, I'm voting on a bill this afternoon
ü Were you as turned off as I was?
ü Have you seen my socks?
ü I'm bored
ü You're much older than the groupies I usually bang
ü This your gun?
ü Has your ass gotten fatter?
ü You remind me of my friend Chris
ü I've got to go, this is my bus stop
ü Thirty-two seconds! A new record!
ü Do you take checks?
ü I've never cried that much
ü Nope, I'm still gay
ü Have you seen my watch?
ü I blame George Bush

John Eddie for President

• Years from now it'll be cool to have a picture of a guy giving the finger on the dollar bill
• He'll have a cabinet filled with women... which will lock from the outside, of course
• None of 'em will be the "first" lady
• Still have less sex scandals than the Clinton years
• Monica Lewinsky's triumphant return!
• Secret Service comprised entirely of former Hooter's girls
• He's allowed one free Secret Service kill, and Bon Jovi's ass is grass
• Show the world that they can't always accuse Democrats of being horny womanizers
• Easily as qualified as Al Gore
• Inaugural speech would contain the word "fuck" 18 times
• He'd be more than willing to tell us all about his favorite positions... on the issues, the issues!
• Press conferences no longer open with, "My fellow Americans," but instead, "Yo, Faithful!Make some State of the Union noise, y'all!!!"
• One week in office, and suddenly Hillary Clinton's wearing tube tops and sporting a new "tramp stamp" tattoo
• Unlike Ted Kennedy, he doesn't drink too much... uh, hit on young girls... umm... he's a much better driver?
• Women go broke paying to spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom
• Kenny Aaronson will make a lovely "First Bassist"
• Legal age of consent changed to 16. 15 with parental permission
• Phrase, "Veto this, you bastards!" Heard more than once
• Goodbye Earth Day, hello Tequila Thursday!
• Social Security finally reformed, and just in time
• First presidential library to be located in Champagne Room of Rick's
• Gennifer Flowers' home number back on Oval Office speed-dial
• Guaranteed that there'll be no early withdrawal... from Iraq, jeez!
• Topless driving legalized, heck even encouraged
• Jenna Jameson new Secretary of Interior
• Enacts "No 18-year-old Girl Left Behind" Act
• New Michael Moore documentary about him... 7 days long
• Excitement over unveiling of new Presidential P.O.S. van
• Most common question at press conferences, "Mr. President, why aren't you wearing pants behind the podium?"
• "Who the hell is Bruce Springsteen?" bumper sticker on back of Air Force One

Unsuccessful Advertising Slogans

? If you buy a car someplace else... well, then your mother sucks c*ck
? NyQuil... what the hell? You're not driving
? Summer's Eve... 'cause you're a slut
? Ikea... 'cause you need more shit
? NBC... TV... Refrigerators... same thing
? KY... experience love in a whole new way
? Ensure... beats starving
? FDS... keep the cats away
? Allstate Insurance.... because you have no choice, when you have no choice
? E.P.T. Pregnancy Test.... Holy Shit!
? Club Hustler... now mostly hepatitis-free dancers
? Fox Network... 'cause you live in a trailer, without cable
? Lexus... because you think you're hot shit don't you, douchebag?

I didn't write 'em, but they're pretty darned funny!

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


They're Back!
Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell? ' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaignslogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

No One Is Going To Buy Your Sex Tape, Because...

• You keep calling out, "Oh Barak!" Throughout the entire thing
• It was shot with your cell phone camera, while you held it
• Katie Couric’s guest appearance was just a bad idea
• No one believes it’s an instructional Tae Bo tape
• You can’t call it "hardcore" if you’re the only person in it
• Everybody knows Martin Scorsese did not direct it
• It was entertaining right up until the part when Ashton Kutcher appeared, and broke the news
• ’Cause we can watch it for free on Youtube, Kardashian
• You didn’t completely erase the episode of "Dancing with the Stars" that you taped it over
• No matter how hard you insist, no one has a "Girls Assembling Ikea Furniture" fetish
• It was just scheduled into the time slot immediately following CBS Evening News
• Sheets hung on the walls of your living room looks nothing like Abu Ghraib Prison
• Too many scenes of C-Span edited in
• Paris Hilton laughed her ass off when she saw it
• Amateur porn shouldn’t have credits, or subtitles
• "Doing a pilot" means something very different in the television business
• The dancing baby
• It’s shot entirely in the back of your ice cream truck
• Bret Michaels didn’t give you a "Backstage Pass" at the end of it
• Donald Trump did fire you

Roxyanastan

...when considering your next vacation destination, try...

Roxyanastan

All mathematical computations must be done using Roxymath (always add an arbitrary number to all sums).

Using Roxymath, Roxy has been in power in Roxyanastan for 3 centuries.

All events in Roxyanastan start when Roxy gets there.

Everyone in Roxy's dominion loves her. If they don't, they will learn to, or else!

Punishment involves more punishment.

The words "governor" and "Jon Corzine," are never to be uttered within the same sentence, under penalty of castration.

The Roxyanastian national anthem is "Sugar Sugar" by The Archies.

David Caruso's birthday is a national and religious holiday, both requiring a tree.

Roxyanastan's motto: "Dis Where Da Party At"

A conversation never has to have a point.

Whenever someone mouths off, despite the inconvenience of having their head shoved far up their own ass, it is referred to as a Rosie-ism.

The national vegetable is squash, and I don't have to explain why!

Roxyland theme park draws well over 37 visitors a year.

The system of government of Roxyanastan is a lot like Fascism, but without all the fun.

Hillary Clinton is president, of the "Republicans for Jesus - Ladies Softball League."

Being a tall, skinny, blue-eyed, blonde is strictly prohibited, unless of course, you're a man.

Vying for the 2020 Superbowl.

No stories to be told "On Ice"

Losing side in all court cases has to buy the ice cream.

All roads lead to where Roxy wants to go. (NO superfluous roads!)

Walking on the lawn punishable by death.

Newly appointed Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, and Supreme Court Justice, The Honorable Gary Busey.

JE Cruise stops here next year!

No relation to the sovereign nation of Jenniferaniston.

Tips On Being a Writer (or Writer’s Blog)

• Develop a kind of loathing for life's luxuries. Like food, shelter and human contact.
• Never underestimate the inspiration that a good substance abuse problem can provide.
• No matter how much of it you make up, tell everyone it's factual. It sounds better that way.
• Never ever read anybody else's work, that way you won't be accused of plagiarism.
• Move to Florida; raise 5-toed cats, run with bulls.
• Writing fan mail to Wayne Newton doesn't count.
• A writer writes about what he knows, so who wouldn't find a novel about your pets entertaining?
• Celebrity death = money in the bank
• If you need money you can always write for an awards show. That way there's no pressure to be funny or entertaining!
• Telling people you're a writer is like an instant "Get Out of Jail Free Card" for being an insufferable asshole.
• As intriguing as it sounds, I don't think your adventures in Singapore disposing of that dead hooker, are suitable matter for a pop-up book.
• I can't stress this enough, NO BIG WORDS!
• Sell your soul to the devil, become a political speech writer.
• Sleep with Oprah once, watch the money roll in.
• Xanax becomes tax-deductible, if you take enough.
• Poets and songwriters don't really experience all that love shit they write about, yet the chicks fall for it every time.
• Develop a hatred for government, Hollywood, anyone younger or better-looking, and you're half-way there.
• You'd be amazed how easy it is to write a trashy romance novel once you add the words "heaving" and "glistening" to your vocabulary.
• Joke writers make better lovers ;)

…this little piece of absurdity is lovingly dedicated to my friend, Paula Nast.
Paula was taken from us suddenly last week at the age of 45. Paula was a gifted writer and journalist, a mentor, an activist and a good friend. The lessons she taught me I will carry with me always.

Biggest Surprises on the JE Caribbean Cruise II

- Turns out going down in a submarine can mean two things

- We were delayed 4 days when the Captain accidentally handed the wheel to Kenny

- We were tendered in Grand Cayman, and hammered in Key West

- Kenny AA, still reigning Bingo champ

- Behavior was so bad; I was actually named "Ms. Congeniality"

- All the basic food groups were covered at dinner, beef and butter

- I was surprised how small the crew was, I thought for sure I'd be seeing a lot more Seamen

- In Key West boat received 382 parking tickets

- Couldn't stop P.K. from giggling every time someone mentioned "aft"

- That last night, "deck" almost took on a whole new meaning

- "Durty Harry's" was just known as "Harry's" before we blew into town

- Sadly, having us "Faithful" onboard didn't lower the ship's average age

- As we disembarked, a divorce attorney was there handing out business cards

- Biggest celebrity onboard was some Backstreet Boy or something

- Life preservers looked remarkably like toilet seats painted orange

- Much of our group claimed the vomiting was due to sea-sickness, but we were still docked in Miami

- At first the entire disco reeked like fish, until we realized that one particular groupie wasn't wearing underwear

- Next year's cruise departs from Indiana

- At the opening show one fan wore only a sequined bra, sadly it was Joe the travel agent

- Thank God the "Welcome Aboard" drink was made with Penicillin

- Many of the ladies were disappointed by the Celebrity Century; apparently they thought they'd be spending the week on John's dingy

...check out John Eddie at: http://www.johneddie.com ...join us ...you know you wanna

The World’s Worst Survey

- If you could have dinner with anyone, what would you order?
- My shoe bottoms…
- Laundry: fold or hang?
- Earlobes: attached or loose?
- Are you deluding yourself?
- Apple or Mac? Ha Ha trick question!
- Buried or cremated?
- Apples or oranges?
- Which celebrity would you stalk and kill?
- How well do you swim?
- What is the best outdoor temperature?
- N'sync or Backstreet Boys?
- Last person you sent naked photos to?
- Castration: surgical or chemical?
- Death or disco?
- What is your favorite uncooked fish?
- If you could have any facial disfigurement, what would it be?
- Last person you went down on?
- Mick Jagger or Paul McCartney, who is more repulsive?
- Omelet, Denver or who the fuck cares?
- If you could bang an older or younger member of your preferred gender, would you use protection? Liar.
- If you could be on any TV reality show, would you get some shame?
- Paris Hilton should be… sterilized? Or sterilized and killed?
- Arkansas or Louisiana, which is eruditer?
- Any piercings other than your ears or face?
- What is your phone number?

Stuff The Dog Is Thinking

? Do you think they'll notice that the roast is missing?
? Ah, Christmastime means to me... indoor plumbing!
? If I had thumbs I'd have killed you years ago
? I can't believe you let me lick your face… You do know I don't use toilet paper, right?
? Smells like someone's drunk again
? Uhhhh.... Bark
? Don't these people know how stupid "I Love New York" is?
? One of these days that goddamned squirrel is going to get what's coming to him!
? I can't believe they can't smell that
? Wait! Where'd the ball go? Didn't he just throw a ball?? Well, now he's got it again! Ain't that the damnedest thing???
? Even I know you shouldn't lick that
? Get the tail… Get the tail… Get the tail…
? The cat hates you, but still you keep feeding it

Roxy’s Christmas Wishes

• Just a clean shot at Rosie
• People to stop touching me
• 20 minutes alone with Daryl Hall… that's all I need… 15 if I've had a couple of drinks
• That I never met you, you bastard!
• To hang with that cool, talking dog from the anti-drug PSA
• The ability to feel love
• A publishing deal for my "tell all"
• Dennis Kucinich to stop calling me
• Robert Plant circa 1976
• For the voices to stop. Damn you voices!
• A strapless bra that doesn't slide down, but that's just a pipe dream
• For that bitch Martha Stewart to get what's coming to her… she knows what she did
• Demerol and lots of it
• The sense of morality and judgment that God gave any member of the Spears family
• Someone to get Donald Trump a mirror
• Delusional self-satisfaction
• Guest spot on "Dancing With the Stars"
• A sense of shame
• Governor "Numb Nuts" Corzine to be visited by three ghosts, all of whom kick his ass
• Kevin Federline to wear a condom once in awhile
• Mail delivery to my house again
• For someone to cage Michael Vick and force him to fight for his very survival… oh wait… nevermind
• To spend even more time at the mall. Oh joy, the mall…
• The IRS to finally let me write off Jack Daniels as a business expense