Roxy’s Christmas Wishes

• Just a clean shot at Rosie
• People to stop touching me
• 20 minutes alone with Daryl Hall… that's all I need… 15 if I've had a couple of drinks
• That I never met you, you bastard!
• To hang with that cool, talking dog from the anti-drug PSA
• The ability to feel love
• A publishing deal for my "tell all"
• Dennis Kucinich to stop calling me
• Robert Plant circa 1976
• For the voices to stop. Damn you voices!
• A strapless bra that doesn't slide down, but that's just a pipe dream
• For that bitch Martha Stewart to get what's coming to her… she knows what she did
• Demerol and lots of it
• The sense of morality and judgment that God gave any member of the Spears family
• Someone to get Donald Trump a mirror
• Delusional self-satisfaction
• Guest spot on "Dancing With the Stars"
• A sense of shame
• Governor "Numb Nuts" Corzine to be visited by three ghosts, all of whom kick his ass
• Kevin Federline to wear a condom once in awhile
• Mail delivery to my house again
• For someone to cage Michael Vick and force him to fight for his very survival… oh wait… nevermind
• To spend even more time at the mall. Oh joy, the mall…
• The IRS to finally let me write off Jack Daniels as a business expense