Tips On Being a Writer (or Writer’s Blog)

• Develop a kind of loathing for life's luxuries. Like food, shelter and human contact.
• Never underestimate the inspiration that a good substance abuse problem can provide.
• No matter how much of it you make up, tell everyone it's factual. It sounds better that way.
• Never ever read anybody else's work, that way you won't be accused of plagiarism.
• Move to Florida; raise 5-toed cats, run with bulls.
• Writing fan mail to Wayne Newton doesn't count.
• A writer writes about what he knows, so who wouldn't find a novel about your pets entertaining?
• Celebrity death = money in the bank
• If you need money you can always write for an awards show. That way there's no pressure to be funny or entertaining!
• Telling people you're a writer is like an instant "Get Out of Jail Free Card" for being an insufferable asshole.
• As intriguing as it sounds, I don't think your adventures in Singapore disposing of that dead hooker, are suitable matter for a pop-up book.
• I can't stress this enough, NO BIG WORDS!
• Sell your soul to the devil, become a political speech writer.
• Sleep with Oprah once, watch the money roll in.
• Xanax becomes tax-deductible, if you take enough.
• Poets and songwriters don't really experience all that love shit they write about, yet the chicks fall for it every time.
• Develop a hatred for government, Hollywood, anyone younger or better-looking, and you're half-way there.
• You'd be amazed how easy it is to write a trashy romance novel once you add the words "heaving" and "glistening" to your vocabulary.
• Joke writers make better lovers ;)

…this little piece of absurdity is lovingly dedicated to my friend, Paula Nast.
Paula was taken from us suddenly last week at the age of 45. Paula was a gifted writer and journalist, a mentor, an activist and a good friend. The lessons she taught me I will carry with me always.