No One Is Going To Buy Your Sex Tape, Because...

• You keep calling out, "Oh Barak!" Throughout the entire thing
• It was shot with your cell phone camera, while you held it
• Katie Couric’s guest appearance was just a bad idea
• No one believes it’s an instructional Tae Bo tape
• You can’t call it "hardcore" if you’re the only person in it
• Everybody knows Martin Scorsese did not direct it
• It was entertaining right up until the part when Ashton Kutcher appeared, and broke the news
• ’Cause we can watch it for free on Youtube, Kardashian
• You didn’t completely erase the episode of "Dancing with the Stars" that you taped it over
• No matter how hard you insist, no one has a "Girls Assembling Ikea Furniture" fetish
• It was just scheduled into the time slot immediately following CBS Evening News
• Sheets hung on the walls of your living room looks nothing like Abu Ghraib Prison
• Too many scenes of C-Span edited in
• Paris Hilton laughed her ass off when she saw it
• Amateur porn shouldn’t have credits, or subtitles
• "Doing a pilot" means something very different in the television business
• The dancing baby
• It’s shot entirely in the back of your ice cream truck
• Bret Michaels didn’t give you a "Backstage Pass" at the end of it
• Donald Trump did fire you