Things To Never Say To Roxy After Sex

ü Was that you?
ü By the way, I went to the doctor yesterday...
ü You may want to wash that
ü That'll be $500
ü I stay in America now?
ü Stop! The light's green!
ü Well, I've gotta go, I'm voting on a bill this afternoon
ü Were you as turned off as I was?
ü Have you seen my socks?
ü I'm bored
ü You're much older than the groupies I usually bang
ü This your gun?
ü Has your ass gotten fatter?
ü You remind me of my friend Chris
ü I've got to go, this is my bus stop
ü Thirty-two seconds! A new record!
ü Do you take checks?
ü I've never cried that much
ü Nope, I'm still gay
ü Have you seen my watch?
ü I blame George Bush

John Eddie for President

• Years from now it'll be cool to have a picture of a guy giving the finger on the dollar bill
• He'll have a cabinet filled with women... which will lock from the outside, of course
• None of 'em will be the "first" lady
• Still have less sex scandals than the Clinton years
• Monica Lewinsky's triumphant return!
• Secret Service comprised entirely of former Hooter's girls
• He's allowed one free Secret Service kill, and Bon Jovi's ass is grass
• Show the world that they can't always accuse Democrats of being horny womanizers
• Easily as qualified as Al Gore
• Inaugural speech would contain the word "fuck" 18 times
• He'd be more than willing to tell us all about his favorite positions... on the issues, the issues!
• Press conferences no longer open with, "My fellow Americans," but instead, "Yo, Faithful!Make some State of the Union noise, y'all!!!"
• One week in office, and suddenly Hillary Clinton's wearing tube tops and sporting a new "tramp stamp" tattoo
• Unlike Ted Kennedy, he doesn't drink too much... uh, hit on young girls... umm... he's a much better driver?
• Women go broke paying to spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom
• Kenny Aaronson will make a lovely "First Bassist"
• Legal age of consent changed to 16. 15 with parental permission
• Phrase, "Veto this, you bastards!" Heard more than once
• Goodbye Earth Day, hello Tequila Thursday!
• Social Security finally reformed, and just in time
• First presidential library to be located in Champagne Room of Rick's
• Gennifer Flowers' home number back on Oval Office speed-dial
• Guaranteed that there'll be no early withdrawal... from Iraq, jeez!
• Topless driving legalized, heck even encouraged
• Jenna Jameson new Secretary of Interior
• Enacts "No 18-year-old Girl Left Behind" Act
• New Michael Moore documentary about him... 7 days long
• Excitement over unveiling of new Presidential P.O.S. van
• Most common question at press conferences, "Mr. President, why aren't you wearing pants behind the podium?"
• "Who the hell is Bruce Springsteen?" bumper sticker on back of Air Force One

Unsuccessful Advertising Slogans

? If you buy a car someplace else... well, then your mother sucks c*ck
? NyQuil... what the hell? You're not driving
? Summer's Eve... 'cause you're a slut
? Ikea... 'cause you need more shit
? NBC... TV... Refrigerators... same thing
? KY... experience love in a whole new way
? Ensure... beats starving
? FDS... keep the cats away
? Allstate Insurance.... because you have no choice, when you have no choice
? E.P.T. Pregnancy Test.... Holy Shit!
? Club Hustler... now mostly hepatitis-free dancers
? Fox Network... 'cause you live in a trailer, without cable
? Lexus... because you think you're hot shit don't you, douchebag?