Biggest Surprises on the JE Caribbean Cruise II

- Turns out going down in a submarine can mean two things

- We were delayed 4 days when the Captain accidentally handed the wheel to Kenny

- We were tendered in Grand Cayman, and hammered in Key West

- Kenny AA, still reigning Bingo champ

- Behavior was so bad; I was actually named "Ms. Congeniality"

- All the basic food groups were covered at dinner, beef and butter

- I was surprised how small the crew was, I thought for sure I'd be seeing a lot more Seamen

- In Key West boat received 382 parking tickets

- Couldn't stop P.K. from giggling every time someone mentioned "aft"

- That last night, "deck" almost took on a whole new meaning

- "Durty Harry's" was just known as "Harry's" before we blew into town

- Sadly, having us "Faithful" onboard didn't lower the ship's average age

- As we disembarked, a divorce attorney was there handing out business cards

- Biggest celebrity onboard was some Backstreet Boy or something

- Life preservers looked remarkably like toilet seats painted orange

- Much of our group claimed the vomiting was due to sea-sickness, but we were still docked in Miami

- At first the entire disco reeked like fish, until we realized that one particular groupie wasn't wearing underwear

- Next year's cruise departs from Indiana

- At the opening show one fan wore only a sequined bra, sadly it was Joe the travel agent

- Thank God the "Welcome Aboard" drink was made with Penicillin

- Many of the ladies were disappointed by the Celebrity Century; apparently they thought they'd be spending the week on John's dingy

...check out John Eddie at: http://www.johneddie.com ...join us ...you know you wanna

The World’s Worst Survey

- If you could have dinner with anyone, what would you order?
- My shoe bottoms…
- Laundry: fold or hang?
- Earlobes: attached or loose?
- Are you deluding yourself?
- Apple or Mac? Ha Ha trick question!
- Buried or cremated?
- Apples or oranges?
- Which celebrity would you stalk and kill?
- How well do you swim?
- What is the best outdoor temperature?
- N'sync or Backstreet Boys?
- Last person you sent naked photos to?
- Castration: surgical or chemical?
- Death or disco?
- What is your favorite uncooked fish?
- If you could have any facial disfigurement, what would it be?
- Last person you went down on?
- Mick Jagger or Paul McCartney, who is more repulsive?
- Omelet, Denver or who the fuck cares?
- If you could bang an older or younger member of your preferred gender, would you use protection? Liar.
- If you could be on any TV reality show, would you get some shame?
- Paris Hilton should be… sterilized? Or sterilized and killed?
- Arkansas or Louisiana, which is eruditer?
- Any piercings other than your ears or face?
- What is your phone number?

Stuff The Dog Is Thinking

? Do you think they'll notice that the roast is missing?
? Ah, Christmastime means to me... indoor plumbing!
? If I had thumbs I'd have killed you years ago
? I can't believe you let me lick your face… You do know I don't use toilet paper, right?
? Smells like someone's drunk again
? Uhhhh.... Bark
? Don't these people know how stupid "I Love New York" is?
? One of these days that goddamned squirrel is going to get what's coming to him!
? I can't believe they can't smell that
? Wait! Where'd the ball go? Didn't he just throw a ball?? Well, now he's got it again! Ain't that the damnedest thing???
? Even I know you shouldn't lick that
? Get the tail… Get the tail… Get the tail…
? The cat hates you, but still you keep feeding it

Roxy’s Christmas Wishes

• Just a clean shot at Rosie
• People to stop touching me
• 20 minutes alone with Daryl Hall… that's all I need… 15 if I've had a couple of drinks
• That I never met you, you bastard!
• To hang with that cool, talking dog from the anti-drug PSA
• The ability to feel love
• A publishing deal for my "tell all"
• Dennis Kucinich to stop calling me
• Robert Plant circa 1976
• For the voices to stop. Damn you voices!
• A strapless bra that doesn't slide down, but that's just a pipe dream
• For that bitch Martha Stewart to get what's coming to her… she knows what she did
• Demerol and lots of it
• The sense of morality and judgment that God gave any member of the Spears family
• Someone to get Donald Trump a mirror
• Delusional self-satisfaction
• Guest spot on "Dancing With the Stars"
• A sense of shame
• Governor "Numb Nuts" Corzine to be visited by three ghosts, all of whom kick his ass
• Kevin Federline to wear a condom once in awhile
• Mail delivery to my house again
• For someone to cage Michael Vick and force him to fight for his very survival… oh wait… nevermind
• To spend even more time at the mall. Oh joy, the mall…
• The IRS to finally let me write off Jack Daniels as a business expense