No One Is Going To Buy Your Sex Tape, Because...

• You keep calling out, "Oh Barak!" Throughout the entire thing
• It was shot with your cell phone camera, while you held it
• Katie Couric’s guest appearance was just a bad idea
• No one believes it’s an instructional Tae Bo tape
• You can’t call it "hardcore" if you’re the only person in it
• Everybody knows Martin Scorsese did not direct it
• It was entertaining right up until the part when Ashton Kutcher appeared, and broke the news
• ’Cause we can watch it for free on Youtube, Kardashian
• You didn’t completely erase the episode of "Dancing with the Stars" that you taped it over
• No matter how hard you insist, no one has a "Girls Assembling Ikea Furniture" fetish
• It was just scheduled into the time slot immediately following CBS Evening News
• Sheets hung on the walls of your living room looks nothing like Abu Ghraib Prison
• Too many scenes of C-Span edited in
• Paris Hilton laughed her ass off when she saw it
• Amateur porn shouldn’t have credits, or subtitles
• "Doing a pilot" means something very different in the television business
• The dancing baby
• It’s shot entirely in the back of your ice cream truck
• Bret Michaels didn’t give you a "Backstage Pass" at the end of it
• Donald Trump did fire you

Roxyanastan

...when considering your next vacation destination, try...

Roxyanastan

All mathematical computations must be done using Roxymath (always add an arbitrary number to all sums).

Using Roxymath, Roxy has been in power in Roxyanastan for 3 centuries.

All events in Roxyanastan start when Roxy gets there.

Everyone in Roxy's dominion loves her. If they don't, they will learn to, or else!

Punishment involves more punishment.

The words "governor" and "Jon Corzine," are never to be uttered within the same sentence, under penalty of castration.

The Roxyanastian national anthem is "Sugar Sugar" by The Archies.

David Caruso's birthday is a national and religious holiday, both requiring a tree.

Roxyanastan's motto: "Dis Where Da Party At"

A conversation never has to have a point.

Whenever someone mouths off, despite the inconvenience of having their head shoved far up their own ass, it is referred to as a Rosie-ism.

The national vegetable is squash, and I don't have to explain why!

Roxyland theme park draws well over 37 visitors a year.

The system of government of Roxyanastan is a lot like Fascism, but without all the fun.

Hillary Clinton is president, of the "Republicans for Jesus - Ladies Softball League."

Being a tall, skinny, blue-eyed, blonde is strictly prohibited, unless of course, you're a man.

Vying for the 2020 Superbowl.

No stories to be told "On Ice"

Losing side in all court cases has to buy the ice cream.

All roads lead to where Roxy wants to go. (NO superfluous roads!)

Walking on the lawn punishable by death.

Newly appointed Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, and Supreme Court Justice, The Honorable Gary Busey.

JE Cruise stops here next year!

No relation to the sovereign nation of Jenniferaniston.