Random Wisdom "All Up In Yo Face" Edition

• You, with the girlfriend young enough to be your kid. This ain't little league, not everyone deserves a trophy! Grow up.
• Make sure when you get your tubes tied, that the doctor makes a double-knot.
• I'm not sure if he's a dirtbag or a douchebag, but he's definitely of the bag family.
• Dwarves and shit. I don't know why, just dwarves and shit.
• You know what I'd like to see? An actual Streisand farewell tour.
• If all of your lovers cheat on you, and lie to you. Maybe you should consider that they're not necessarily the problem.
• I see no shame in sucker punching someone in the back of the head. In fact, I encourage it.
• I never said you were poor, white trash. I know you're not poor.
• I didn't beat the woman at Starbucks to death with her small, purse dog. So, where's my medal?
• I know you worry that people think you're a shallow whore, and that nobody likes you. But that's just not true. Lots of drunk guys like you.
• I try to be in love at least once a day.
• Ask me if I've heard the good word one more time, and I'll hurl this Jack Daniels bottle at you.
• I don't feel sorry for you because you're lonely. I feel sorry for you, because all signs point to you staying that way.
• "Rock Lobster" is perhaps, the greatest song ever written. Suck on that Manilow!
• I never fail to be entertained by just how special you think you are.
• I am woman, hear me bitch!
• You're not going to live forever. And when you do die, chances are no one is going to erect a statue in your honor. There, I said it. Now, will you please put your pants back on?
• Fucknut is a far too undervalued term.

Ways To Make The World A Better Place

• Help the environment by using only rechargeable batteries in your vibrator.
• Reduce dependence on foreign olive oil.
• Use old asbestos to clean up black mold in your shower.
• Help the homeless; let your boyfriend move in.
• Reduce harmful waste products from textile manufacture, by wearing less clothing. You hear me, Brad Pitt???
• Figure out what the hell that smell is on the Jersey Turnpike
• Save electricity by not posting every damn cute thing your kid or cat does on Youtube.
• Reduce our dependence on foreign oil, by granting statehood to Saudi Arabia. Change name to "New Oklahoma"
• Recycle 80's pop stars, send on tour.
• Limit Jersey girls to one can of AquaNet per day.
• Help alleviate overpopulation by not breeding, you stupid bastard!
• Use old newspapers and oily rags to insulate your gas water heater.
• Reduce global warming by keeping your freezer open.
• Invest in tomorrow; send your children to work now!
• Save water, shower with your neighbors.

Reasons Why Roxy Should Be Committed

• She can hear eggs
• She fears doorknobs
• She only speaks in French to her cats
• She's sexually attracted to landmines
• She considers Della Reese a close, personal friend
• She buys wax paper in bulk
• She is convinced she was developed by Microsoft as a weapon
• She kisses a minimum of 17 people a day
• She wears three pairs of socks at all times, but not on her feet
• She is convinced that every guy who wears an earring is really a pirate in disguise
• She is aroused by water, but only 12 oz. No more, no less
• She had a three-way with Wayne Newton and Barry Manilow. Twice
• She lives in the shed
• She voted for Corzine
• She names pennies
• She once married a shirt
• She is proud to call John Eddie, "Dad"
• She refers to herself as Mrs. Dow Jones, for legal purposes
• She tells people her middle name is Bananarama
• She named all her houseplants Jeff
• She sells ad space on her toenails, at very reasonable rates
• She loves spyware, mmmm….spyware
• She hacked LinkedIn and connected 65,000 people to Kevin Federline