It's Probably Not Going To Work Out If...

- you find another woman's earring in the sheets, and it's your mom's

- he has a wedding ring collection, and he's only 23

- now that he's made the JV soccer team he has less time for you

- says he gets "The Advocate" magazine just for the articles

- he's boxed up all his stuff, and it's addressed to Australia

- he keeps calling you Cathy, your name is Angie, and you've been married to him for 12 years

- His Facebook status says "Happily Married," but you're not married to him

- he still lives in his mom's basement, and he's 55

- says he's not comfortable committing until your check clears

- you tell him he has a fear of commitment. He tells you that's not true, because he's been committed 12 times

- his parole starts next month

- he refers to the song "Don't Fear The Reaper" as "our song"

- your cult's mass suicide is planned for next Thursday

- he drives a white Mercedes and fixes his hair for 5 minutes in the rear-view mirror

- he spends more time having his nails done than you do

- starts every intimate encounter with the phrase, "Time me"

- the only 3 little words he's whispered in your ear are, "no hablo inglés"

- his won't answer when you call, but dammit his wife always does

- he's Bruce Springsteen

- tells you often how much you remind him of his "missing" wife

- says he can't see you on Easter, because he has to say mass

- every time you bring up the subject of marriage he fakes his own death

- keeps stretching out all your nice dresses when he borrows them

- calls his mom everyday, but only while making love

- insists you put on a hazmat suit before entering his house

- says he can't see you on Saturday night, because he has to change the cat box

- keeps saying he's having problems with Mr. Sprinkles, but he doesn't have a pet

- says he loves kids and animals, and that's why the state makes him wear that ankle bracelet

- your starting to think his 24 year marriage and 3 kids may not be just a phase he's going through