It's Probably Not Going To Work Out If...

- you find another woman's earring in the sheets, and it's your mom's

- he has a wedding ring collection, and he's only 23

- now that he's made the JV soccer team he has less time for you

- says he gets "The Advocate" magazine just for the articles

- he's boxed up all his stuff, and it's addressed to Australia

- he keeps calling you Cathy, your name is Angie, and you've been married to him for 12 years

- His Facebook status says "Happily Married," but you're not married to him

- he still lives in his mom's basement, and he's 55

- says he's not comfortable committing until your check clears

- you tell him he has a fear of commitment. He tells you that's not true, because he's been committed 12 times

- his parole starts next month

- he refers to the song "Don't Fear The Reaper" as "our song"

- your cult's mass suicide is planned for next Thursday

- he drives a white Mercedes and fixes his hair for 5 minutes in the rear-view mirror

- he spends more time having his nails done than you do

- starts every intimate encounter with the phrase, "Time me"

- the only 3 little words he's whispered in your ear are, "no hablo inglés"

- his won't answer when you call, but dammit his wife always does

- he's Bruce Springsteen

- tells you often how much you remind him of his "missing" wife

- says he can't see you on Easter, because he has to say mass

- every time you bring up the subject of marriage he fakes his own death

- keeps stretching out all your nice dresses when he borrows them

- calls his mom everyday, but only while making love

- insists you put on a hazmat suit before entering his house

- says he can't see you on Saturday night, because he has to change the cat box

- keeps saying he's having problems with Mr. Sprinkles, but he doesn't have a pet

- says he loves kids and animals, and that's why the state makes him wear that ankle bracelet

- your starting to think his 24 year marriage and 3 kids may not be just a phase he's going through

Reasons To Stalk Roxy

Here's a crappy new blog that I wrote on the way into work this morning. Enjoy!



- if you should lose her, just hang out at the liquor store long enough, eventually she'll show up


-cheaper on gas than stalking some other people, since she can usually be found on the couch


- easy to tail her on a bicycle, even if she's driving a car


- chances are that at some point she already gave you a house key


- her rockin' bod


- you'll have the opportunity to meet the politicians she's stalking


-each time you stalk her, you get your card punched, and after 10 punches you get a free sandwich


- her beautiful horse lamp, am I right, fellas?


- there's a good chance of seeing her topless, usually when she goes out to get the mail


-you accidentally mistake her for Paula Abdul


- you and Gary Busey can carpool together


- free chips and salsa


- Barbra Streisand's security already knows what you look like


- she's easy to spot with the "Goat Ropers Need Love Too" bumper sticker on her car


- you just can't hear enough Tom Jones songs over and over and over again


- there are always plenty of socialist newspapers in her trash, to read if you get bored


- somebody's got do it, and it's probably your turn

Suburban Roots Concert Series Welcomes Back Justin Townes Earle!

JUSTIN TOWNES EARLE Returns to NJ! This Thurs. Jan. 15!




Greetings friends!

January 15, 2009 - Suburban Roots Concert Series is proud to welcome back - JUSTIN TOWNES EARLE - to The Claddagh, Highlands, NJ.

Show starts at 7pm with special guest Michael Patrick!

Justin's star is on the rise, and he was incredible last time he joined us for a NJ performance! You do not want to miss this show!

CLICK HERE for more info. and to get advance tickets

See y'all there!






Here's an article from "The Rag" January '09 about Suburban Roots Concert Series:





Here's an article from "Red Bank Orbit" about Justin's last SRCS appearance:

I Say More Stupid Things Before 9am, Than Most People Do All Day...

Actual snippets of conversations overheard in my house before 9am:

Do you think part of the reason I'm so preoccupied with death, is because I watch so many TV shows about death?

What are you fucking her? Oh that's right, you're not in the music business.

I just need to get numb. Numb, not dumb. That ship has sailed.

You know who I miss? Morning Guy.

Isn't that new blanket thingy with arms, just a robe on backwards? I know backwards clothing when I see it.

Okay, Doug. (I don't know anybody named Doug)

From now on address me as Admiral.

I didn't spend seven years in Admiral School to be called Captain!

You started this bad karma.

That's not what karma means.

"Entertainment Tonight" called, and apparently J. Lo is getting divorced. So, you're up.

It's just a parody. Which my fancy way of saying, "Yes, I am making fun of you, bimbo."

If "48 Hours" has taught me anything, it's that all "open marriages" end in murder.

The people on TV are telling the whole world about their bowel movements! I don't even know those people! Seriously, get some shame!

I lost a diamond in my panties.

Just shut the fuck up, and take the pills.

If you have to enlist Maury's help to figure out who fathered your child, it's time to seriously consider staying home Saturday nights.

No, it is a law, I checked.

Who wouldn't pay a dollar for pornography?

Bananas are confusing.

I'll be in a duffel bag under the shed, if you need me.

Americana Rising!

Random Wisdom "All Up In Yo Face" Edition

• You, with the girlfriend young enough to be your kid. This ain't little league, not everyone deserves a trophy! Grow up.
• Make sure when you get your tubes tied, that the doctor makes a double-knot.
• I'm not sure if he's a dirtbag or a douchebag, but he's definitely of the bag family.
• Dwarves and shit. I don't know why, just dwarves and shit.
• You know what I'd like to see? An actual Streisand farewell tour.
• If all of your lovers cheat on you, and lie to you. Maybe you should consider that they're not necessarily the problem.
• I see no shame in sucker punching someone in the back of the head. In fact, I encourage it.
• I never said you were poor, white trash. I know you're not poor.
• I didn't beat the woman at Starbucks to death with her small, purse dog. So, where's my medal?
• I know you worry that people think you're a shallow whore, and that nobody likes you. But that's just not true. Lots of drunk guys like you.
• I try to be in love at least once a day.
• Ask me if I've heard the good word one more time, and I'll hurl this Jack Daniels bottle at you.
• I don't feel sorry for you because you're lonely. I feel sorry for you, because all signs point to you staying that way.
• "Rock Lobster" is perhaps, the greatest song ever written. Suck on that Manilow!
• I never fail to be entertained by just how special you think you are.
• I am woman, hear me bitch!
• You're not going to live forever. And when you do die, chances are no one is going to erect a statue in your honor. There, I said it. Now, will you please put your pants back on?
• Fucknut is a far too undervalued term.

Ways To Make The World A Better Place

• Help the environment by using only rechargeable batteries in your vibrator.
• Reduce dependence on foreign olive oil.
• Use old asbestos to clean up black mold in your shower.
• Help the homeless; let your boyfriend move in.
• Reduce harmful waste products from textile manufacture, by wearing less clothing. You hear me, Brad Pitt???
• Figure out what the hell that smell is on the Jersey Turnpike
• Save electricity by not posting every damn cute thing your kid or cat does on Youtube.
• Reduce our dependence on foreign oil, by granting statehood to Saudi Arabia. Change name to "New Oklahoma"
• Recycle 80's pop stars, send on tour.
• Limit Jersey girls to one can of AquaNet per day.
• Help alleviate overpopulation by not breeding, you stupid bastard!
• Use old newspapers and oily rags to insulate your gas water heater.
• Reduce global warming by keeping your freezer open.
• Invest in tomorrow; send your children to work now!
• Save water, shower with your neighbors.